


It's The Little Things

by N7Pharaohess



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Author's New Years resolution, Drabbles/Ficlets/One Shots, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Little Bit of Everything, See where inspiration takes me, Shenko - Freeform, Smut, Some are just plot bunnies that won't leave me be
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-03-02 13:00:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 35,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13318659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N7Pharaohess/pseuds/N7Pharaohess
Summary: Shenko. From a list of 100 prompts,  this is a collection of drabbles, ficlets, one shots, and plot bunnies that centres around Commander Kira Shepard and Kaidan Alenko. Expect a bit of everything - angst, romance, silliness and seriousness, going in and out of canon and timeframes, and has various cameos from our favourite squad members. Now with occasional smut!(It's a new years' resolution to finish this. Posted in no particular order or with any kind of plan.)





	1. Questioning

**Author's Note:**

> "It's the little things you do together,  
> Do together, do together,  
> That make perfect relationships.  
> The hobbies you pursue together,  
> Savings you accrue together,  
> Looks you misconstrue together,  
> That make marriage a joy."  
> \- The Little Things from "Company"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: During ME1

Shepard knows he keeps glancing at her. He's trying to keep it relatively sneaky, she thinks, looking at her when she's turned away from him at the semi-crowded mess table. Something's on his mind, and usually Lieutenant Alenko is fairly open at the table with his fellow marines so whatever it is evidently has him distracted.  

When she catches his eye for the third time, she puts down her fork and twists her upper body towards where he is sitting diagonally across the table from her. "Alenko, you obviously want to ask me something." 

A light pink flush creeps up his neck at being caught, and he drops his gaze to his mostly finished plate. "It's nothing, Commander, just a..." he trails off, trying to find the right words and ends up shrugging, "...personal question to satisfy curiosity." 

Shepard can feel her own curiosity rise to the surface. She hasn't known Lieutenant Alenko for long, but he has already become one of her closest friends on the ship. She enjoys talking to him and learning about the man behind the uniform...and he's not bad to look at, either. He's already mentioned knowing her service history, so she expects whatever question is on the tip of his tongue is something to do with details of Akuze, or how she enlisted, or what happened to her parents... 

Kaidan seems to make up his mind, and Shepard braces herself for answering something deeply personal or emotional. It's not like she minds the questions, she appreciates being seen as more than just "The Commander" and mealtimes often provoke open and relaxed conversation. She knows, too, that there are more than a few at the table who will be listening thanks to their own idle curiosity, so she'll need to balance her answer between casual and professional... 

"Your hair."  

Shepard blinks in surprise. Her...hair? 

Kaidan gestures with his fork towards her, aware some of his fellow marines are watching nonchalantly. "The colour's obviously not natural, but I don't see you...I mean, you don't  _seem_ to be a spend-hours-re-dying-it type. So what is it? Gene mod? Implant? Permanant dye?"  

Despite herself, Shepard grins. She'd been expecting some probing question that she'd have to be careful answering, but, true to Kaidan's nature, he's instead curious about something that she's quite happy to tell everyone about – because it stopped being a big deal to her a number of years ago. She glances up to where she can see the edge of the scarlet locks in question, at the periphery of her vision.  

"Oh. Ah, yeah. Implant," she nods. "Got it when I was eighteen." 

Directly across from her, Private Wilson cocks her head. "Can I ask what your motivations were, Commander? I like it." There's an agreeing murmur from those nearby.  

Dinner all but forgotten, Shepard runs a hand though her hair. "Well, Private, I was eighteen, and had just enlisted with the Alliance. I wanted to do something that marked the occasion of me starting a new path, but decided against a tattoo – I didn't know what to get until I saw an ad for a hair mod." 

She's somewhat aware that more people are listening in, out of interest, but she keeps herself focused on answering Wilson's question. "So I picked it out and got the rest died to match. The enlistment officer had called me 'fiery' while I was applying – I guess I was fairly pushy – so I was drawn to something that embodied that, because that was who I decided I was going to become." She laughs at a sudden memory. "My drill instructor used to say I'd never be lost amid the chaos of battle, because it would always stick out." 

A chuckle rumbles around the table from those listening, and she sees Williams nod beside her. "Is it permanent?" 

"Nah," Shepard smiles at her. "I could get it taken out whenever I wanted, and it would just keep growing out with my natural colour again. But I've grown attached to it, you know?"  

"And what about your eyes?" Kaidan's question is polite but quiet as he stares at her, looking at the subject of his enquiry. For a brief moment she holds his gaze and it's like only the two of them are there, and her breath almost catches. She stops herself though, and grins at the table as a whole.  

"All natural, thank you very much."  

Ashley narrows her own eyes. "But they're such a bright shade! I just thought you'd had a mod done." 

Shepard looks at her and winks. "Nope, just happen to have a naturally bright colour. Lucky genes, I guess." 

She smiles to herself as the buzz of different conversation resumes around the table. She's aware of the 'alternative' look she presents, with bright blue eyes and the scarlet hair she keeps in a bob which frames her face, and the occasional touch of dark lipstick. The Alliance brass have never  _really_ cared, though she did get some questioning and unimpressed looks when she turned up for basic. She'd still been – technically – within the Alliance's standards, she'd just managed to find a loophole to do so. They had tightened up the wording of the hair colour section after her enlistment, though...  

But after her achievements and exploits, the colour had become associated with her and no one mentioned it, at least, it wasn't brought up often. It's just part of her now and the woman she's become. After all, the little implant under her hairline  _could_ easily be removed and her hair could go back to its several-shades-more-natural-red, but she's never seen the need. She likes the brightness, the little reminder of past rebellion and who she used to be, and how far she's come from running with the Tenth Street Reds.  

But what she'll never tell the friendly group around the table though, is that part of her reasoning was because she wanted to look in the mirror and catch a glimpse of someone who reminded her of the striking appearance that great heroes seemed to have in the vids of her childhood. At eighteen, she'd felt it would inspire her to work towards that ideal through her and service training.  

At twenty nine, she now looks in the mirror and just sees herself, not a hero, just doing her duty to the best of her abilities. And she'd not have it any other way. She knows she'd far rather be herself than some fictional vid-hero, even if it did take a few years and some damn hard work to realise that.  

She catches Kaidan's eye at the table as he stands, and he smiles at her warmly. For some reason, she has the feeling Kaidan knows  _exactly_ what eighteen-year-old Kira Shepard was thinking when she decided to get a hair color to inspire herself and who she wanted to become. Shepard was beginning to think Alenko was just too intuitive for his own good, really, and this only serves to add to that.  

As she turns her attention back to her now slightly cold dinner, Shepard's mind wanders and a thought comes unbidden to the surface. Through the conversation, Kaidan hadn't actually mentioned his own personal opinion of her appearance – whether  _he_ likes her hair colour or eyes. This thought is immediately followed by one that Shepard pushes down far beneath her professional exterior, and refuses to admit the importance of. 

The thought that she really,  _really_ hopes he likes it.  


	2. Two Roads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME2, post Horizon

He dreams of her, sometimes. When she died, he’d dream of her standing out of arm’s reach. She would be on a bridge, or an indistinct platform he couldn’t reach, smiling at him. Sometimes she was dressed in armour, other times she was in some kind of long pale dress that shifted with an invisible breeze. She was always just out of reach, on another path from him. While sometimes the paths were obvious and clear, other times he wouldn’t realise there was a gap until he tried to get to her, and would suddenly realise that what had seemed like a few feet was an insurmountable distance.

She would never speak, but she would smile sadly at him, and he would wake with a strangled cry and her name on his lips. Sometimes he would cry, mostly he would spend the rest of the night staring at the ceiling lost in memory. A whisper of her voice would sometimes feel so real, the shiver on his skin which he could almost fool himself was her gentle touch. 

Now, years later, he dreams of her still. Her path, though, is now bloodstained. And she’s no longer alone, she’s accompanied by hulking figures in white and yellow armour. They linger behind her, almost out of sight but visible enough that he can feel the malevolence of their presence. She’s always in armour now. Mostly it’s her signature maroon, on the really bad nights she leers at him from a white and orange visor, the horns of Cerberus clearly visible through the blood splattered across her chestplate.

He can’t move from the dream-path he is on. He wouldn’t want to, he tells himself again and again, but there is an intense understanding that he _cannot_ walk her road at all. She walks parallel to him, as if they were walking on opposite sides of a great divide. Her path is wartorn, bloody and nightmarish. There are flashes of experiments, dead Alliance soldiers, terrorist threats and manipulation. It’s so unlike her, but Shepard’s dream-self seems to enjoy his discomfort as she grins at him. This is what he fears Shepard to now be, a Cerberus-controlled copy of the woman he once loved. 

One night, the dream is vastly different. He still can’t get to her, she’s still across the way on another path, but that is where the familiarity ends. This time, she’s calling out to him.

This time, she’s screaming for help.

The figures behind her are pulling her with them as she tries to fight them. She’s trying to get away but they pull her along the path that stretches into the distance. She’s reaching out to him and he’s trying to get to her, stopped by the distance between them. She’s begging him to help her, take her away from what she doesn’t want to be involved in even as the armoured figures try to put her in their armour against her will. She’s slowly being encased in white and orange the further down the path she is pulled. She’s calling his name, trying to get back to him – back to the Alliance.

He is ripped from the dream with a severity he hasn’t felt in years. For a moment he wonders if there was an alarm, but his quarters are silent around him and all is still. Her voice is still in his ears, her cries for help threaten to overwhelm him as he puts his head in his hands and lets his mind wander. It’s clear that this situation isn’t as clear as he thought it was. After seeing her on Horizon…she seemed to be the real Shepard. Not a clone, not an advanced VI or AI, but really _her_. Had his subconscious picked up on something he hadn’t, some give away to her real nature, even as he yelled at her and accused her of betrayal and treason?

If she is trapped in a situation out of her control, or at a loss for other options, he can't hold it against her. The fiery anger which had obscured his vision on Horizon has faded out, and even though embers still burn with hurt, he can see far more clearly now. His email (poorly worded as it was) has so far gone unanswered, but there is a good chance that if his instincts are right then Shepard won't feel comfortable answering in case Cerberus is listening. If she really is trapped, he has to hope that someday their paths will cross again and he will be able to help her as much as he can.

It is shallow comfort in the dead of night. She is lightyears away somewhere in the black, so this promise to himself is all he could do for now. That and, he supposes, praying to any deity that might hear him to keep her safe. If she can just get through her mission, if she can get away from Cerberus, then maybe... something can happen. They could talk. He could give her the chance to explain – he owed her so much more but that at least would be a start. They could start over and move past Horizon, maybe more. 

Longing for her flares in his chest. In his heart of hearts he is so desperate to be with her again, hold her close and tell her she's safe. He misses her so much – even after the sudden shock of hearing she was alive and all the anger that came after, he misses her. Knowing she is out there and he isn't by her side tears him apart a little more each day. It's almost worse than losing her completely, knowing she's out there and _he can't get to her_. And if she were to die with Cerberus, without him there for her or the chance to talk again...

It's a train of thought he can't let himself get swept up into right now. Not after the dream, not in the suffocating quiet of night. It would just lead to a dark nowhere fast. He rubs the back of his neck, restless with the turmoil of his thoughts. Gods, how he misses her. He sighs her name to himself and casts an arm across his face as he leans back into his pillow. Sleep will be elusive for a while yet, so instead he allows himself the guilty pleasure of dredging up the painful-but-welcome memory of Kira Shepard as she lay beside him the night before Ilos. That Kira, his Kira smiling at him as they lay together, is the only thing that relaxes him enough for a thankfully dreamless sleep to return. 


	3. Seeking Solace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME1

Chakwas had enough to worry about. The ground team’s mission had been particularly brutal, and as a result Wrex was now being forcibly restrained in the medbay in an attempt to treat the heavily bleeding wound in his side. The Krogan mercenary was, in return, vocally and belligerently trying to leave. 

"It's fine, Doc!" Wrex growled, trying to wrench his arm out of Garrus' grasp as the Turian pushed down with nearly his full bodyweight, "I got regeneration! It'll take care of everything!"

The exasperated doctor held up a large hypodermic needle and stared Wrex down without flinching. "Your regeneration needs a kick-start to take care of a wound bleeding this severely, Wrex. Cooperate or I  _will_  sedate you."

Kaidan, standing back from the chaos, cracked a small smile. Almost immediately it became a grimace as his headache teetered on the edge of becoming a full-blown migraine, potentially the worst one since he'd taken up his post onboard the Normandy. He’d always tried to keep them from interfering on missions – the last thing he needed was to put anyone in danger by being invalided or needing protection. To help facilitate this, he always carried a spare dose of pills from Chakwas and spare energy bars, and tried to stave off any signs of a headache. He’d made a promise to himself at the beginning of this tour of duty to not fail Shepard or become a burden to her. 

But today had been one clusterfuck of a mission from the beginning. The intel had been incomplete, the experiments of Cerberus somehow more immoral than usual and the fight that had eventuated had involved soldiers, turrets, engineers and a few heavily armed, heavily armoured fighters who had nearly taken chunks out of all of them (and had potentially managed it with Wrex). As Shepard was carefully sniping and Wrex was joyously and haphazardly shotgunning anything that came towards him, Kaidan was utilising his biotics. It seemed that as appropriate as his actions had been, as he pushed soldiers into Wrex’s path and created targets for Shepard with singularities, all while shoring up her barrier with his own, he’d overexerted himself. Running on the adrenaline, he’d not realised how far he’d pushed his abilities. To make things worse, he’d used his spare pain medication to help Wrex get back to the  _Normandy_. Now he was paying the price as the sharp pain in his head became steadily worse. 

He looked up at the scene before him, cringing slightly at the noise. Shepard, still armour clad, was attempting to hold Wrex's ankles down on the observation table and convince him in her best 'Commander Shepard' voice that he was going to accept the damn help and stop acting so melodramatically. Garrus was on one large armoured arm, pushing down. Opposite him, Ashley had thrown her whole body onto Wrex's other arm to keep him somewhat restrained. Chakwas was beside her, attempting to tend to her patient. It would have been hilarious if Kaidan's head didn't feel like it was in a vice. He turned to the door and slipped out of it, away from the noise. Wrex's injuries took priority, getting his usual pills from Chakwas could wait. For now, he'd just have to find somewhere quiet and dark to wait until Wrex was dealt with. He was sure he'd be fine until Chakwas didn't have quite so much to deal with. He hoped. 

Shepard's eyes flicked towards the medbay door as it opened. She caught a glance of her Lieutenant, pale as he began to stumble away with a hand partially shielding his eyes from the light. She frowned, catching Chakwas' eye as the grey-haired doctor nodded slightly over the still-struggling form of Wrex. She'd seen Kaidan too, recognised all the signs of an oncoming migraine and regretted her hands being full with another patient. She'd spoken enough with the biotic to know it wasn’t in his nature to interrupt her, just wait quietly as if his own pain wasn't important. It was likely the bright lights and noise of the medbay had driven him to somewhere quieter. She could also see Shepard's eyes flicking intermittently to the now closed door, her thoughts evidently following the troubled marine. The doctor motioned over one of the marines near the door who had been called in case backup was needed or Wrex got loose. 

"Alexander, might you take the Commander's place at the foot of the bed?" Without a shadow of hesitation, the marine smoothly stepped into Shepard's place to grip Wrex as the Commander sighed in relief and stepped back. Taking the opportunity while Wrex was distracted, threatening Garrus with all the different ways he could be dismembered for his part in this, Chakwas laid a hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Commander, might I ask you a favour?"

"Of course, Doctor." Shepard smiled, the tired but happy expression of someone exhausted but still willing to help. One still-armoured hand twitched toward the door, and Karin Chakwas instinctively knew that what she would ask was what Shepard was already planning on doing. Chakwas was not going to be the one to mention it, but it was clear to her there was something special, perhaps something growing into more than just friendship, between the Commander and her Lieutenant. Shepard cared about all her crew, but it was clear that Alenko held special significance to her. 

"Commander, I saw Alenko, but my hands are full. Could you see to him?" She gestured to Shepard's omnitool. "Do you still have that information I gave you?"

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, of course." 

Chakwas pointed to her desk. "Behind my terminal," she said, turning back to the filled bed where her patient gave another roar and tried to raise himself up. "See if you can get him to eat, too – he'll be running on empty after that debacle of a mission."

Shepard left the medbay, picking up the small pill bottle from its hiding place behind the computer as she did so. Chakwas was always prepared - as soon as she knew she had a migraine-afflicted L2 on board, she always made sure to have the high-grade painkillers somewhere on hand, just in case. Truthfully, Shepard had been somewhat worried when she'd heard Kaidan was susceptible to migraines, as she wanted her squad to always be at peak condition. But she needn’t have worried - they weren't as frequent as she had been led to believe by others, and they'd never interrupted a mission as far as she knew. She had a suspicion that Kaidan powered through any oncoming headaches until he could return to the  _Normandy_ , though. So Shepard had asked Chakwas what to do should Kaidan ever be stricken with a migraine when unable to get to the  _Normandy_ , and in return Chakwas had given her a few guidelines that Shepard diligently noted down in her omnitool.  _Painkillers, food, sleep. Quiet and dark if possible_. She'd told herself it was just to assist if her field medic was struck down. She'd never needed it, Kaidan had of course become very good at monitoring himself and being aware of his triggers – like overuse of his biotic abilities – but Shepard did still carry a dose of his pain medication as part of her own basic medical gear when going on a mission. 

The first thing she did was stop by her cabin, hurriedly stripping herself of her armour and dumping it in an unceremonious pile by the door. It could be taken care of later, she had the time and they were in FTL for the next sixteen-ish hours anyway. She balled up her undersuit, threw it beside her armour and pulled on a fresh set of fatigues, slipping the pill bottle in one pocket. Now she had to find her wayward biotic. She'd seen as she crossed from the medbay he wasn't in his usual station beside her cabin, and as she grabbed a bottle of water from her desk, her mind started considering where he could be. 

The mess would be too noisy. It was coming up to shift change and crewmembers would be relaxing before they slept or went on duty. He'd not go to the command deck, she rationalised, because even with low staff the lights from the displays might be too much? She'd seen him leave the medbay, so he hadn't gone to the lab out the back. There were two places Shepard could think of – the comm room, or the cargo bay. She'd placed one foot on the stairs leading to the upper deck when she suddenly thought that Kaidan wouldn't have gone up stairs if he had an oncoming migraine, as navigating the stairs wouldn’t be worth the effort. He'd go down to the lower decks. 

The cargo bay was dark, its lights dimmed down to coincide with the Normandy's night cycle.  _Check_ , Shepard thought as she stepped out of the elevator. It was also, thanks to the time and the current circumstances in the medbay, empty.  _Again,_   _check_. She let her eyes adjust and looked around. There was no one by Williams' armoury station, and the requisition officer was off shift, his desk also empty. Between the mako and the wall, however, Shepard found her quarry.

Kaidan was sitting on the floor, his head resting on his knees. He was still in armour, one arm covering his head as if to ward off the waves of pain. Shepard's heart twisted at the sight of him as she softly called out to him, moving quietly over the metal floor plating. Almost, she thought sarcastically, like the way one approaches some kind of frightened animal. He stirred as she crouched before him, placing a gentle hand on his leg. "Hey, Kaidan."   
  
"Commander." Kaidan's reply was quiet and hesitant, as if it had taken him a moment to register what she had said.

"I wondered where you were hiding," she murmured as he gingerly opened his eyes and she saw a flash of brown. Immediately, he tried to explain himself to his commanding officer, but Shepard shushed him as she opened the bottle of water and passed it to him. "It's alright, Kaidan, I know. Chakwas and I both saw you in the medbay, and she sent me to find you." With a grimace his eyes closed again and Shepard smiled sadly at him, knowing he couldn't see her. He was so vulnerable like this, and Shepard would have been lying if she didn't feel for him. She just wanted him to be okay, not in pain. To smile again, not nearly be in tears as he fought waves of debilitating pain alone, unwilling to burden anyone else with his problems. "Kaidan, I know you don't want to move right now, but you can't stay here," she said quietly, moving her hand to his shoulder and squeezing gently. "I'll get you somewhere better, somewhere you can sleep, okay?"

After a moment he murmured his ascent and she slowly helped him off the floor, slipping one of his arms over her shoulders and bracing him with her own arm around his waist. As they slowly set off towards the elevator, Kaidan using his free arm to cover his eyes and Shepard guiding his steps, she couldn't help but appreciate his warm body in her arm. Oh sure, they flirted on and off the battlefield, but that was common between marines who were friends. There was something different about Kaidan though, the way her heart fluttered when he smiled at her and they way she always sought him out to talk after grueling missions, that made her want to break fraternization rules. Not that he'd ever know, though. She was his CO, she couldn't compromise him like that. She could just be there for him when he wasn’t going to tell anyone he needed it and watch out for him both during missions and onboard the  _Normandy_. 

They managed to get back to the crew deck and to Shepard's cabin without meeting any other crew members. She hadn't even realised where she was leading him until they were nearly there – subconscious thoughts, perhaps - but in reality it made perfect, no-subtext, sense. Her cabin was private, quiet, and dark. Kaidan could sleep as long as he needed to without being interrupted or taking up a medbay bed next to what was bound to be a noisy wardmate. And is wasn't like it was weird, was it? She could take the spare sleeping-pod if she needed to. Kaidan was just in need of unconventional care thanks to the current circumstances, which were unlikely to be repeated any time soon. She would have done it for any of her crew. 

She guided him through the door of her cabin and to the bed, easing him down gently. She dimmed the lights down enough for him to lower the arm that had been protecting his eyes from the light and he blinked up her hazily, before he seemed to come back to himself somewhat and become aware of  _where_  he was. “Shepard-”

“I don’t want to hear it, Kaidan,” Shepard replied, though not unkindly. She pulled off one of his gloves and tipped two familiar pills into his hand. “You’re not well, this is the best place for you right now.” She kept her voice low, dismissing thoughts of how intimate her actions were as she slipped off his other armoured glove and pushed the bottle of water back into it.

Kaidan seemed to deflate before her as he tiredly nodded, evidently having no energy to fight her on this. Shepard sat down beside him on the bed – a respectful distance away – and began to gently ease open the clasps holding his hardsuit in place as he diligently swallowed the pills with a slow drink of water. As he sat, Shepard was able to remove his torso, back and shoulder armour as well as strip off his gauntlets. She placed them next to her own, albeit in a far neater pile. 

“Are you able to get the rest of your armour off?” She asked, ignoring the implications that her question might have had if the situation hadn’t been so delicate. He nodded slowly, hands reaching for the clasps on his greaves with unfocused but determined motions. She nodded to herself, judging he’d be okay alone for a few minutes, and went out into the mess to find him something to eat that wasn’t bland energy bars. 

So far, she thought she’d done fairly well. He’d taken the pain meds, and he was somewhere quiet and dark he could rest without interruption. She just needed him to eat something – something that would be enough to replenish some of his lacking energy, but not make him feel any worse. He needed some comfort food…Shepard bit her lip as she started at the cupboard in thought. There was one thing that seemed to fit the bill right now. A comfort food of her own. 

Kaidan was sitting where he had been when she left, pieces of armour scattered around him as he sat in his undersuit. She gently pushed a steaming mug into his hands as he groggily lifted his head. There was a little colour back in his cheeks, but he was still clearly ill. He breathed in deeply. “Tomato soup?”

“You need to eat, and it’s a go-to of mine.” She shrugged as he began to sip from the mug, smiling a little at the taste. Shepard, rather than stare at him as he drank, collected up his armour pieces and added them to the pile beside her own. “Once you’re done, you’re to sleep until it’s gone.”

He started to protest, as she knew he would. “Commander, I can’t-”

“It’s an order, Lieutenant.” She stared him down until he nodded in defeat, and then her tone softened. “Kaidan, we’ve got  at least 16 hours in FTL. There’s not much to do, especially when you’ve just been on the ground team, so get some rest.” As he put the now empty mug down on the small bedside cabinet she rested a hand on his shoulder, helping him to slide under the duvet of the bed. “You can stay here as long as you need to.”

“I’m sorry, Shepard,” he murmured as he lay back. “You’re my Commander, you shouldn’t have to…”

“Kaidan, shut up,” Shepard smiled in reply. “Sure, I’m your Commander – but I’m also your friend. And friends take care of one another.”

He murmured something she didn’t catch as he began to slip in and out of sleep, so she decided to leave him in peace. Especially before she did something wholly silly like sit at his bedside or stroke his face to help him relax. Instead she quietly busied herself collecting up both sets of armour to take them downstairs for maintenance. That would keep her busy for a while and stop her from watching over him.  _Pining. Um. Good lord, just call me Florence Nightingale._  

* * *

 

A few hours later, after both sets of armour had been given a decent clean and Shepard had endured enough teasing from Ashley on her return from the medbay – “So does this mean I can get you a nurse’s cap, Skipper?” – Shepard stopped by her cabin to quietly retrieve a data pad to catch up on a few reports in the mess. She was surprised to see Kaidan struggle into a sitting position as she opened the door. “Sorry, Alenko. I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

A look of embarrassment crossed Kaidan’s features. “No, I’m sorry, Commander. I’ve become quite a burden to you.”

Shepard rolled her eyes as she stepped closer to the bed, perching on the edge of the mattress. “Kaidan, you’re not a burden, so quiet.” She leaned towards him, looking over his face. There was color back in his cheeks and although he still seemed exhausted, it was clear his eyes were brighter and more focused than they had been earlier. “How’s your head feeling?”

“Still some pain,” the biotic sighed, indicating to Shepard that ‘some’ was more likely ‘it’s still really bad’. 

“Do you want some more pain killers?” She asked, indicating the bottle that was sitting on her desk. “Or something to eat?”

“Both,” he replied almost immediately, before a pale flush crept up his cheeks. “I mean, no thank you, Commander. I can manage. Permission to get some grub and retire to a sleeping pod?” He said it with his usual crooked smile, but the grin didn’t quite reach his eyes.

She eyed him warily. “Permission denied, Lieutenant.” She smirked internally as he looked slightly taken aback. “You’re going to stay where you are,” she continued as she threw him the pill bottle and pointed at the water bottle. “You take your meds, and I’ll head out to the mess for you. Any requests?”

This time Kaidan did fully blush, as he evidently considered the fact that his commanding officer was waiting on him hand and foot. “Uh, that soup before was really great?”

She flashed him a grin and exited the cabin. Kaidan put a hand to his still-throbbing head. He didn’t know what to think – sure, his mind could run wild with fantasies; Shepard had after all chosen to bring him to her cabin and, for lack of a better term, taken care of him. She didn’t seem to mind, either, which Kaidan found somewhat remarkable. Here she was, commander of a ship, and she was using her time and energy to make sure the troublesome biotic was alright even though this was his own stupid fault. He shouldn’t have pushed himself so hard during the mission today. Or was she just being a good CO, improvising in the circumstances and getting her team back to 100%?

There was no way to know but Kaidan knew which he preferred. As uncomfortable as he was, he couldn’t help glance around at the inner sanctum of the woman he admired so much. The little touches in the room gave tiny clues to the real woman beneath the Commander Shepard semblance. As much as Kaidan hated to sound arrogant, he did feel that he was one of a privileged few to be getting to know the real Shepard – the woman, not the icon, who had fears and hopes and dreams like anyone else. And a deep compassion, he was finding out today especially. 

An N7 hoodie was slung over the back of the desk chair. The datapad on the bedside table seemed to have some kind of novel on it, judging by the format of the text. There were a few empty mugs on the desk, and on the floor by the door… Kaidan frowned to himself. There had been a pile of armour there, he was sure. His own, and Shepard’s? Now gone. Realization dawned on him and he threw himself back with a groan, feeling the deep ache within his head swirl at the sudden movement. She’d taken care of it, hadn’t she? His commanding officer, a woman he not only hugely respected but also wanted to impress, had done the kind thing and taken care of his armour for him, cleaning and running simple repairs as was the protocol post-mission. Just one more thing he owed her thanks for. 

And she’d also…Kaidan suppressed the immediate images that came to mind when he remembered she had helped him with his armour before he slept. He was still in his undersuit, so she’d preserved their combined modesty that much, but she had carefully and gently removed as much armour as she could before giving him privacy to remove the rest himself. The memory was hazy, but he was sure that was what had transpired. That had been a very kind – and intimate – gesture on her part. He was lost in thought for more than a few moments, trying to recall the feeling of her fingers on his back and chest.

There was the sound of movement outside the door a split second before it opened and Shepard entered, carrying a tray, and holding a sandwich in her mouth. On the tray was a steaming mug and a plate with something on it. She passed it to Kaidan, who had pulled himself together, and he was grateful to see that along with the familiar mug of soup there was a toasted sandwich. 

She grinned as she pulled her own sandwich from her mouth to speak. “One soup and a cheese toastie.”

Kaidan took a mouthful of the hot, richly flavored soup. “I have to ask – why this particular delicacy?”

Shepard’s eyes became distant. “It was given out at the shelter sometimes when I was a kid,” she replied simply. “Tomato soup and grilled cheese. Incredibly simple fare, but for a kid who sometimes hadn’t eaten in a few days it was pure heaven.”

“The shelter?” Kaidan asked before he could help it. He knew few details of Shepard’s pre-service history, only that she had grown up on Earth and had been a street kid prior to enlisting. He winced internally as he hoped his slip of the tongue hadn’t been too personal or intrusive. 

To his surprise, she nodded. “Yeah, one of the homeless shelters in the city where I grew up. I’d often end up there, me and most of the other Reds. They were good people, who did all they could, and as a result the Reds didn’t make trouble for them.” She took another bite of her sandwich. “Tomato soup and toasted cheese sandwiches became synonymous with comfort to me. Must be pretty odd that it’s lasted this long.”

Kaidan placed his empty mug back onto the tray. “I don’t think it’s odd at all, Shepard. Commander.”

Shepard sighed and stood, seeming to brush away the cobwebs of whatever memory she’d been lost in. “Okay, so – you’ve eaten, had your pills, and can get some dark and quiet sleep. Do you need anything else, Kaidan?”

“No, that should do it, Commander.” He hesitated, and she raised an eyebrow at him. “How did you know what to do?”

Now it was Shepard’s turn to blush at his question. She seemed to stutter over the quiet answer she gave. “Chakwas told me. Er, months ago. When I heard you got migraines…I asked her about your treatment plan. I copied down the information she gave me in case I ever needed it on a mission.”

To Kaidan’s mind, this seemed like a reasonable thing for a CO, especially one with medical training who led ground missions, to do. Yet he couldn’t help but notice Shepard had answered almost like she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. She bit her lip before continuing, the blush on her cheeks deepening slightly. “I actually have a spare dose of your pills in my med kit.”

The admission, as simple was it was, touched Kaidan deeply. To know his Commanding Officer cared enough to carry spare meds for him was humbling, but to know that _Shepard herself_  not only cared about his condition enough to educate herself on what he needed but then  _followed through_  without question or irritation was more than Kaidan thought he deserved. As Shepard stared off in the direction of her desk, determinedly not meeting his eye, he hid a grin. 

After a moment, Shepard reached for the tray which now only held empty dishes, having collected herself. "Think you'll sleep again?"

Kaidan nodded, feeling the weariness of his migraine coming upon him again. Although the pain had backed off somewhat with the nap he'd already had and the medication he'd taken, he knew from experience that he still needed more sleep. He slid down to a lying position as elegantly as he could manage, trying not to let the thought that he was in  _Shepard's bed_  distract him. He didn't catch the small smile in his direction from Shepard as she collected up the empty mugs from her desk and placed them on the tray to take out to the mess. 

He could feel sleep creeping up on him. In the quiet dark, he could relax and slip into dreams to recover and in a few more hours would be alright again. The thought was comforting. He smiled to himself as the pain dulled, thinking of Shepard. Her smile, the compassion she'd shown him, the gentle touch of her hands, the trace of her shampoo on the pillow. Without even realising he was speaking aloud, his images of Shepard and enveloping warmth of the bed and medication combined into a single thought. "You're amazing, Kira."

Shepard paused. She'd come back in to retrieve her datapad, and was now staring at the sleeping marine with a dumb grin on her face. Kaidan thought she was amazing? Or migraine-addled Kaidan did, at least. Either way, the sentiment gave her butterflies and she stepped closer to the bed, wondering if he was going to say anything else. A small voice in the back of her head admonished her very un-Commander like behavior.

Kaidan appeared to be mostly asleep, and Shepard couldn't help but pull the blankets up to cover him more thoroughly. He looked so peaceful, all concern and concentration wiped from his face – he looked surprisingly young, she thought, and reached out to gently brush a strand of dark hair behind his ear. Her hand lingered on his face for a moment, and she smiled to herself.  Perhaps her feelings towards the handsome lieutenant weren't as ignorable as she'd thought. Seeing him brought low, and the strength that he carried himself with even through such torment, had made Shepard even more charmed by his character than she'd thought herself to be. Especially combined with his altruistic outlook and desire to not burden anyone else with his problems.   

She sighed to herself, straightening up and turning back to the door. She'd done all she could for Kaidan, and now it was best she just left him in peace to sleep. Even if part of her would rather stay and watch over him, or slip in beside him for a nap of her own, or even just lay a gentle hand on his shoulder, as if to tell him that she was here with him. 

It was more than a few hours later when Kaidan awoke. His migraine was thankfully gone, and he was left with the usual fogginess he felt after a medication-induced sleep. He quietly slipped from the bed, carefully folding in the sheets before leaving the cabin. Thankfully, the mess was empty and no one seemed to notice him as he gathered a fresh set of fatigues and headed to the shower. 

It was amazing how much more human he felt after a shower with clean clothes on. A brief hunt of the ship revealed that Shepard was in the cockpit, leaning casually on Joker's chair as they piloted through FTL and laughing about some shared joke. The sound of his footfalls on the metal gangway gave him away, and Shepard turned, her scarlet hair glowing in the dim cockpit light.  

As his mind wandered in his shower earlier, he'd recalled the feel of a gentle touch, but had dismissed it as something his sleepy mind had created. But as she smiled at him now, full of warmth and genuinely happy he was recovered, he couldn’t help but feel that maybe it had been as real as he wanted to believe. 


	4. Introduction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: General

The first time they meet, there's no sudden lightning bolt or heart-stopping moment. She greets him as his new executive officer aboard a brand new ship, and off-handedly mentions she's interested to serve with another biotic. They smile at one another in complete professionalism, he's heard of her and she's read his file. He thinks she gives off a confident, yet companionable air. He notices she has nice eyes, a striking blue, but he doesn’t fall into them. It never crosses his mind that he might have met his other half; lots of people have nice eyes and it doesn't mean anything to notice that. She moves on and all he hopes is that he made a good impression as her Lieutenant. 

She thinks there's something kind in his face, and she's sure they'll get on. His file is very complimentary, and she's never served so closely with another biotic so she's keen to see what they can do as a squad on the ground. She thinks he has a nice face – but that's it, in the same way a nice-looking passer-by might momentarily hold the attention of someone else as they go about their business. She doesn't immediately have fantasies of a life together for them, or even some kind of unexplained feeling that this is the one for her...she just moves on to the other crew mates and looks at all of them with the same level of interest. 

It's not like the vids, where two characters meet and instantly  _know_ somehow that they're destined to be together. It's just a new posting, a new mission. They naturally gravitate to one another as friends – and it only grows when others form connections too. Garrus, Tali and Wrex join what becomes their little group, as does Ash when she warms up to the extraterrestrial guests. Liara takes longer – her shyness keeps her hidden away at first – but eventually the mixed group is often witnessed sharing meals and stories together. Through it all, Shepard and Kaidan grow close, but nothing unprofessional. Shepard is good at knowing when to let down her guard, and when she needs to be in command. 

When Kaidan realises that he's developing a crush on his commanding officer, he does his best to deal with it maturely and push it aside for the good of the mission. Easier said than done, but he measures his words carefully and tries not to stick his foot in his mouth too much. Until he inevitably does. 

Shepard refuses to entertain the notion of falling for her Lieutenant until she's forced to admit to herself that it's  _far_ too late. 

Their relationship is unconventional from the start. By the time they are able to be freely together, it is years later and they're in the middle of a galactic war where their time is potentially limited. They both agree, as they lie together in a rare moment of quiet, they never  _could_ do anything by half. Hands entwined, it’s hard to imagine life before they crossed paths, now that they make one another whole. Falling in love had been simultaneously unplanned and the best thing to happen, even without the ‘love at first sight’ thing from vids. When they met years before, they had no idea what was waiting for them on the path ahead, but even with the hardships they endured, the arguments and differences of perspective, they both agree that every step got them to where they are now – and that is what makes it all worth it. 

Neither of them would change a thing. 

And it started with a simple introduction. 


	5. Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: Post ME3

It was still weird, Shepard decided. This "normal" stuff she did now. 

Sure, it had its perks – like having a real apartment rather than a cabin. Too long in the Silversun Strip and she'd feel the need to travel the stars again, but it was still nice to have a stationary base that she could feel was her little corner of the universe. The Shepard-Alenko Love Nest. She grinned at the thought, the nickname that the apartment had been given. 

And that was another perk, she considered. Getting to have a home – a real home –  with Kaidan. 

She shook herself from her reverie and turned her attention back to the rack of dresses she was looking at. Who would have ever though that she'd actually need clothing that  _wasn't_  an Alliance uniform, and even more so, would actually enjoy being out and about doing normal things, rather than always on duty in space.  It would soon change – once her current break ended she was due to attend another diplomatic summit – but now that her time on the Citadel was in weeks and months instead of days she'd found an odd joy in doing things that normal people did. Shopping, getting coffee, even having a quite night at home. The once-constant undercurrent of tension had decreased in the post-war rebuild of the galaxy. 

She still had to work, of course, her status as a Spectre was still current and her missions were as varied and dangerous as ever, but in the post-war galaxy more Spectres had been recruited and now she found her missions more specialised but also with more time between. She played diplomat more often now, though she still saw a good amount of action. A nice balance – something she never though she'd get. Even Kaidan's schedule was different now, allowing him to be training biotics at the local Alliance Academy and accompanying her on missions. But for a large chunk of the time, they would both come home at the end of the day and be free to spend time together like a normal couple.  

Shepard ran her fingers across the hemline of a dress, feeling the material slip between her fingers. She needed something comfortable yet classy for the upcoming summit, which she could fight in – just in case. And maybe something a bit more – dare she say –  _girly_ for the inevitable cocktail evenings that often went with such occasions. Heaven forbid, she was even enjoying fighting with barbed words as much as biotics!  

**_BANG._ **

In the space of half a heartbeat, Shepard dropped into a crouch and flared blue, her biotics forming a barrier as she readied an attack. Danger. She was in danger. Her ragged breathing and pumping blood roared in her ears. She was in London, fighting for her life...and that had been a reaper trooper dropping in. Reinforcements.  _Where was Kaidan?_

No, a gunshot.   _Is he okay?_

No – a  _banshee_...   _Kaidan!_

As she looked for the source of the attack, a vague thought crossed her mind. There was too much light for the warzone of London. There was no rubble-filled street, but racks of clothing. Dresses and smooth pale walls. Not far from her, a shocked asari staring at her from beside a young daughter, who looked scared. 

Scared of  _her_.

With a gasp, Shepard came back to herself, her biotics dissipating into nothing as she lifted herself from the combat-ready crouch and tried to calm her breathing. 

"She just...knocked over a manakin," The asari said, fear still tinging her voice. She gestured to the ground, where Shepard finally noticed the offending item splayed to the side. The sound had just been a manakin falling, nothing more. Nothing dangerous.

Shepard sighed and ran a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry," she said sincerely. "I don't know what I was thinking."

The asari cocked her head with a small smile after a moment. "You fought in the war."

Either the asari was perceptive, or she herself was that obvious, Shepard considered, but she nodded in reply. "Yeah... some things still..."

"Take you back?"

Shepard nodded again, unable to form an answer. Instead, she knelt down so she was close to eye-height with the little asari hiding behind her mother's skirt. "I'm sorry if I frightened you. Are you okay?"

The little figure nodded, looking at Shepard with bright eyes, before she suddenly squealed in excitement. "Mum, mum! It's Commander Shepard!"

Taken aback, Shepard stared at the little girl while she continued. "We learnt about you in history class last week. You're amazing!"

Unable to stop the smile from creeping across her face, Shepard stood back up as the little asari chattered about what she could remember from her lessons, her fear gone. It was an odd feeling – to be part of history now, never to be forgotten. Still smiling, she looked at the mother, who had a hand pressed to her mouth and eyes wide in recognition. 

"Oh, Goddess, it  _is_ you." She had tears in her eyes and Shepard looked down, embarrassed at causing the woman such distress. But the mother cleared her throat and stepped towards Shepard, holding out her hands. Shepard reached out and felt the asari's hands grip her own tightly, as the woman simply spoke in little more than a whisper. "Thank you."

Ever since walking up in medical care after the partial destruction of the Citadel, and through all the debriefings and ceremonies afterwards, Shepard had never heard anyone thank her so sincerely and simply. It was easy to recall the platitudes from the councillors and diplomats, speaking on behalf of their people. But this asari was a mother, a member of a race who had been through terrible times, and a galactic citizen of no renown. Shepard didn't know her story, or who she might have lost in the war, or what her personal path had been. And because of that, her quiet gratitude touched Shepard deeply. 

This was pure gratitude, felt deeply and given willingly. 

Shepard felt her own eyes sting as she pressed the asari's hands in reply, words having deserted her again. She helped the mother right the fallen manakin and a moment later the asari twosome had left the store, the little daughter giving Shepard a cheery wave as they went. Her shining eyes and bright smile told Shepard that tomorrow at school she'd be telling  _everyone_ who she'd met by accident the day before. 

Still feeling slightly overwhelmed from the sudden shock of the noise – it really had sounded just like something from London – and then the sentimental meeting afterwards, Shepard turned her eyes back to the garments before her. Picking out dresses now seemed even more out of place in her life. 

She supposed, as she walked back to the apartment, that if she were really honest she was still adjusting to this new life. When she'd been in recovery, and then in physical therapy and psychological therapy to help her move forward, it had been easy to not consider the little everyday things that would change for her. The time she'd have, the lifestyle that would be so different – and so freeing, in a way – to how regimented her life had been. But she'd always be Commander Shepard to history and the citizens of the galaxy, even if she didn't have to be her as much anymore, by choice. Even if what she'd been through would always be there, just under her skin. 

But, maybe being recognised as Commander Shepard wasn't all bad. The war might be over and they might have won (for lack of a better term) but if her actions could inspire new generations and give hope to those who travelled their own path through those dark times, then maybe she could handle the memories in amidst the new normalcy. It would always be part of her, and she'd always have learn how to cope with it.

The asari mother's eyes had softened at the prospect of an ex-solider still dealing with stressful memories. Even recognising Shepard hadn't changed that, there had been no pandering or melodramatic sympathy, just simple and sweet gratitude from a mother who could raise her daughter in a galaxy without reapers because of Shepard's actions.

For that, Shepard would gladly tread the fine line between who she'd been and who she was now. She'd create a peace between the harrowing memories that, she'd learned, could still take her unaware, and the future that lay before her. She had been given that chance, denied to so many others, and silently promised the asari mother and her daughter she would make the most of it. 


	6. No Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME3

There's no time for us. 

There’s a _war_ _happening_. There’s no time to say all the things I want to him. No time for all the plans we could have together. No time to show just what he means to me; what he's always meant to me. No time to just be together, live together, grow together. No time before it all could just fall apart. Time’s running out, from moment to moment we don’t know how much more we have. Every mission could be the last. 

And time marches ever onward. Planets are lost each day, more beings fighting for their lives that fall, never rise again. The Crucible's build continues. The Reapers expand more and more. Injuries take time to recover from, battles have to be planned, then fought...and won or lost. There’s never enough time for anything else, anything that deviates from what is necessary. If It's not about the war, It's just not that important right now. Right?

I can't give him my time. 

Everyone else has claimed it for their own. I have a war to spearhead, a crew to support, a million things to do, and a galactic threat to stop. I guess my time hasn't been my own since I came back to life – even before then, my time wasn't really _mine_ but at least there was a future where I had a choice, to have time to myself. Or, I thought there was.  

I can’t give him that. I can’t give him my time, so there’s no reason I should expect him to give me his. His time should be spent with someone who deserves it, someone who won’t waste it and will cherish every moment to the best of their ability. Someone who will give all that care and attention back to him doubly. He's never, ever deserved any less. 

But the time he has for me I can’t give back. I can only take it as part of the flow which I can't control. I can't be so selfish to him, he deserves to have his time received with gratitude and recognition. I should be humbled, yet, I can’t be. How pathetic - I don't have time to be humbled by his affection!

So it's only a matter of time until he gives up. One more time he gives that I can't reciprocate, and it'll be the breaking point. I can't expect anything less, really. He will give up on me and move on, and find another worth his time and effort.

So why does that make me feel so hollow?

Because I'm still in love with him, never stopped. Because amidst all the time that's not my own, I forced a few minutes every Citadel visit to be at his bedside. I made the Council wait, I forced them to work around me. I reclaimed my time, for him. 

And that's the heart of the matter. Ever since I woke in Cerberus' clutches, I've never had time for myself. The few moments I had were spent with others, helping them. It made me feel human again, but it wasn't for me. I never wanted to punish anyone for my own selfishness, but Kaidan...Kaidan made me do so. Kaidan made me find time for me to give to him, because he was more important than everything else.

He doesn't even know he did that for me.

Now with things up as they are, I can't give him time, but maybe I could give him moments. I don't know if moments will be enough for him, but that's all I can offer until I can work out some way to reclaim time for him properly. Because that's what he deserves, and that's what I'm fighting for – more time, with him.

Time to do nothing together. Time to spend in his embrace, explore every inch of his body, and never feel like there's something more important to be doing. Time spent walking together under unfamiliar sky. Or spent talking for hours on end, finding out all there is to know. Time to just sit and do something normal together, something that has always been unimportant in the long run. Time to enjoy being together.

I can live with my time not being my own, as long as some of it is his. 


	7. Drive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: During ME1

"Alenko, Vakarian, suit up and get your gear. We're going down to investigate that distress signal." Shepard smiled grimly at the prospect. "Metgos is reading as a level two heat hazard, so bear that in mind as well."

"Sure, Commander," said Kaidan as Shepard turned away, headed to her locker. He couldn't help the slightly sour feeling that came upon him at the prospect. It wasn't that being on the ground team was bad, or that he didn't want to go – on the contrary, being on missions ground-side with Shepard was always interesting, and he found it exhilarating to work with her – but it meant, well...

It meant the Mako. 

Even more than usual, if there was a heat hazard. 

Garrus stepped up next to him. "Kaidan, check my armour seals, would you?"

"Oh, sure," Kaidan agreed as Garrus turned his back towards him. He'd been reassured that turian armour seals functioned the same way human seals did, but Kaidan was still extra through just in case something was different. He wouldn't want Garrus to get injured on his watch, and he considered the turian a friend as well as a squad mate. If he was extra careful, so what?

"Kaidan, you looked worried," Garrus grinned over his shoulder. "You wouldn't be apprehensive about the Commander's driving, now would you?"

The marine felt heat flush across his face. "No...but maybe I wish that she'd sometimes let someone else drive?"

Garrus laughed and clapped Kaidan on the shoulder. "You need a chance in perspective, friend. Think of it like a thrill-ride. She may be reckless, but she's not going to purposefully do something that would put us in danger. She didn't drive into lava on Therum, now did she?"

"Well...no," Kaidan was forced to admit. Though it had been close a few times...he shook himself out of thoughts of Shepard's heart-attack-inducing driving and forced himself over to his own locker, to ready himself for the upcoming mission. Shepard appeared as his shoulder as he clipped in his last legplate, and his breath caught has he felt her gentle hands on his shoulders to check his armour's seals. Her touch was professional but somehow intimate, and Kaidan was momentarily amused that the tender ministrations belonged to the same woman who was a devil-driver. 

"All good, Kaidan. Would you mind?"

Turning, Kaidan meticulously checked the seals, moving his hands slowly from Shepard's neck down her back. He couldn't help but let his touch linger ever so briefly on her hips, wishing (not for the first time), that there wasn't armour separating their skin. As he removed his hands and confirmed she was fine, he noticed that Shepard hadn't moved, letting the connection between them last until Kaidan had broken it.

But this wasn't the time for that. They had a mission to do.

In the Mako. 

Strangely enough, the jump from the Normandy and Mako landing didn't ever worry him as much as Shepard's actual driving did. She had a tendency to go in a straight line to the objective, which included going over mountain and off cliffs, through enemies and occasionally over structures. Today was evidently no different; as Shepard scaled mountains at a crazy angle and Kaidan felt his heart rate increase. 

Garrus, seated in in the turret, began laughing after Shepard managed a particularly creative jump between some large rocks. Kaidan thought back to their conversation in the bay and wondered if it was really possible to simply trust Shepard's skill and actually find something to enjoy about what had, up until now, been a harrowing experience. 

Ten minutes later, he owed Garrus a drink. 

The high speeds they were travelling at, the different angles and Shepard's whooping were infectious – if he let them be. If he pulled himself out of his own head and threw caution to the winds, truly trusting what wasn't a lack of skill but actually a supreme command of it...there actually was something _fun_ about Shepard's crazy driving. One particularly sharp turn sent him hard up against the side of his chair, pulling his harness to the extreme and he couldn't help but let out a laugh that echoed Shepard's.

She shot him a look, surprise in her eyes, and her expression cleared to one of joy when she saw his exclamation had been genuine. She was grinning as much as him as she spun the wheel and they thundered off across the planet's surface towards the beacon. 

And he had to admit, once they were back in the safety of the Normandy's hanger bay, that the Mako didn't have a scratch or blast mark on it from their ambush by the geth. So that was more evidence that Shepard's driving had more rhyme and reason than it first appeared as well – and for that, he was thankful. 

Crazy Driving: 1   
Geth: 0


	8. Vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME3, post Citadel coup attempt

It was the last thing Liara had expected on what was supposedly a routine mission - an ion storm trapping them overnight. 

They had been sent to collect data from an Alliance outpost and the edge of a small agricultural colony. The planet was known for them, and even after their best attempts at planning, a storm had swept in as they worked – well, as EDI worked and the rest of the team searched the colony for any remaining survivors and resources – and Shepard had simply shrugged at the turn of events, refusing to let Cortez attempt an extraction in the dangerous weather. 

EDI had agreed to keep working on the data mine, even while disconnected from her Normandy-self, so Shepard had given tasks to each of the group to ensure a safe and comfortable night to be spent planet-side. Before coms had become unmanageable, Joker had estimated the storm would pass by mid-morning the next day, so the ground team knew they would be bunking down in the now-abandoned Alliance outpost. 

Shepard had wasted no time. While EDI had settled into data-mining an amount that wouldn't overload her mobile platform, the Commander had sent Kaidan to reactivate (and if necessary, repair) the generator to the building. The main power grid of the settlement was of course out, and would be useless in an ion storm - but the small, insulated generator in the outpost itself was built for this exact purpose – if Kaidan could get it back online. Garrus and Tali set what perimeter they could, and James took on a quartermaster role of getting enough basic supplies – beds and blankets especially – into the lounge area beside the galley. That way they could all sleep together, and when James mentioned the words "sleep over" Shepard had laughed and told him to go do his damn job. 

Liara, for her part, had gone with Shepard herself to scrounge up whatever food they could find. Unsurprisingly, the colony's evacuation a week prior had meant a number of still-edible dry and sealed foods could be found where they had been left. Shepard seemed to be searching for specifics, but Liara collected up whatever she could – as well as any dextro rations she came across. Once James had finished setting up the "bedroom", as he called it, Shepard sent him to a nearby field to harvest whatever he could, ignoring his melodramatic cries of being worked too hard. 

Now they were all inside, safe from the storm that raged beyond the windows. Kaidan, to his credit, had re-activated the power so they were warm and had a little light. Shepard was busy in the galley doing something Liara never thought she'd see – cooking. 

There was a practiced ease in her movements, and a perceptive glint in her eye as she'd looked over the supplies they had collected. Kaidan had volunteered to help as kitchen-hand, and now in the dim but comfortable light Liara could see the two of them side-by side at the bench. Siting with Garrus, Tali and James – who had found a pack of cards somewhere – Liara couldn't hear their conversation, but she found herself entranced by her two friends in the kitchen. 

Shepard tasted whatever was simmering on the stove, frowned, and thought for a moment before offering the spoon to Kaidan. He tasted the mixture, and said something – a suggestion – and Shepard frowned and replied, waving her had dismissively towards the stove-top. Kaidan bit his lip as Shepard looked at him quizzically, before he said something else. Nearly instantly Shepard's expression cleared, becoming one of happy realisation. She dug around in a box and produced a small jar, adding some of the contents to the pot. 

Liara smiled as Shepard offered Kaidan the spoon once more, beaming as he nodded enthusiastically. She bumped Kaidan with her hip, he returned the gesture, making her giggle. Liara was struck with how much younger Shepard looked in that moment, how relaxed and at ease they seemed around one another now. Liara had noticed the uncomfortable tension that had been present after the Citadel coup attempt (it wasn't easy to ignore) but had also seen how it had eased over time. But this, this was different. 

In the kitchen, Shepard stole something from Kaidan's workspace – a piece of the vegetable he was cutting – and ate it with a certain flair of triumph. On her next attempt, Kaidan caught her hand, and for a moment they simply looked at one another as he held her hand, and Liara's heart swelled as she recognised the look they shared. 

Ah, that was what it was. 

They'd found their way back to each other. After all their trials and their paths being separate for so long, they had reconnected with one another and fallen in love all over again. The heartfelt smile Shepard was giving Kaidan was one that had been noticeably absent up until recently. Just a woman, in love and thankful to have it returned. Liara felt a similar smile cross her face – two of her closest friends had found happiness in each other, even in the middle of a war. 

The meal that night was superb – James enthusiastically congratulated Shepard on her cooking skills, taking three helpings. Liara didn't know what the dish was exactly – vegetables in a rich creamy sauce over rice – but it was comforting and, as trite as it sounded, clearly made with love. Even Garrus and Tali agreed that it smelt wonderful, but they were content to stick to their dextro rations, as even with a delicious smell it would probably kill them. 

Once the meal's clean-up was done, Liara watched as Shepard and Kaidan sat beside one another for a few round of cards and shared stories, and saw their fingers entwine out of view of the rest of the group. They still weren't ready to let everyone know, she guessed, even if their close friends would have already guessed simply from the emotional change in them both. Good for them. 

Raucous laughter brought Liara out of her thoughts. For a brief moment, it was just a small group of friends spending time together while a storm thundered overhead. No war, no military formality, nothing but silly stories and comfortable company. It was almost a shame that the next day it would be back to business as usual, but maybe this tiny break, this unasked for vacation, had been exactly what all of them had been needing. The war called, but until morning, this relaxed gathering now was what mattered. 

Liara cast her eyes around the room once more, noting Shepard glancing at Kaidan when he wasn't looking, and hearing Tali's laughter echo through her helmet as James wiped tears of mirth from his eyes. There was nowhere else she would rather be than here, and no other group she would rather face the galaxy with, than this. 


	9. Playing The Melody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME1

Kaidan opened his eyes with a sigh. The headache, threatening to become a migraine, wouldn’t let him rest. He had hoped he could sleep this one off, but it seemed he’d have to admit to himself that medication was needed to stop this getting any worse. He quietly opened his pod and slipped down the gangway past his sleeping crewmates. It was well past midnight, ship-time, and only the graveyard crew was up and about. There was silence on the crew deck as he made his way to the galley with two of the small white pills Dr Chakwas had told him would help him with oncoming migraines (if he could take them in time). He was reaching for a glass and water when movement and the sound of footsteps made him look up. 

Shepard rounded the corner, coming from the direction of the stairs. Kaidan was surprised to see her, expecting her to have been asleep in her cabin, but even more taken aback to see that she was walking in rhythm, her eyes closed, as she moved to something only she could hear. Her lips moved to shape words – lyrics, Kaidan realised. The Commander was listening to music. And  _dancing_ to it.

Not the odd shuffle Kaidan had witnessed at Flux, but steps in time with an alluring swing of her hips and arms accentuating the words of the song. He realised he was staring, enamoured, a split second before Shepard opened her eyes and saw him standing, empty glass in hand. 

It was like a wild animal caught in headlights. She froze, arms partially raised and one leg swept out to the side. Her stare was surprised and somewhat fearful before the Commander Shepard mask slipped back into place. She snapped to a neutral stance, one hand brushing quickly against her omnitool. 

“Lieutenant.”

Kaidan saluted respectfully. “Commander.”

There was an odd moment of awkward silence. Shepard looked like she was trying to work out what to say. After a moment she stiffly gestured towards her omnitool. “I, uh, linked the speakers to my coms. It’s like headphones. For, um, music.”

Kaidan nodded, feeling his hand begin to sweat around the glass. “I, uh, I see.”

The silence resumed. Kaidan could see a flush of red creeping up Shepard's face in the dim light. He decided to break the silence before she could get any more embarrassed. Maybe he could still salvage this. 

“Sorry to disturb you, Commander. I was just getting some water.”

His words seemed to relax her as she waved a hand. “Don’t worry about it, Kaidan.” She eyed him. “You okay?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh, yeah, yeah. Just going to take some painkillers to stop an oncoming headache.”

Shepard nodded with professional concern. “Then I’ll let you get back to bed. Sleep well, Kaidan.” She took a tentative step forward, headed towards her cabin.

“Your secret is safe with me, Shepard, “ Kaidan blurted before he could help himself. He wanted to try and get back to their usual light-hearted banter and not leave this situation  _so awkward_. He didn't think she had anything to be embarrassed about, he'd thought she looked cute, and although he couldn't openly say that he could still say  _something_. He didn’t know how his words would help, but he thought it was worth a try to diffuse the tension that still permeated between them. 

It worked, to a degree - she laughed. “Secret? I don’t mind my crew knowing that their Commander likes music, Kaidan.” She shrugged. "Pretty much everyone likes music in some way, hard-ass commanders included. Hell, one day I might have to plug my omnitool into the shipwide coms and show you all what a decent playlist is..." She winked and Kaidan couldn't tell if she was kidding or not. If her earlier display was anything to go by, he wouldn't put hijacking the ship's systems past her.

Shepard bit her lip as she looked at him. “But, ah, maybe don’t mention the lip-syncing or dancing...” There was a familiar twinkle in her eye. “ _That’s_ just between us, okay?” 

Kaidan grinned despite himself. "Sure, Commander. And, you're not a hard ass."

One eyebrow arched, Shepard glanced down over the back of her shoulder. "Really? And I've been running so much lately, too. I thought I'd toned up."

The glass in his hand was still empty, thankfully, as Kaidan's grip tightened at the flirty insinuation of her words. She seemed be finding amusement in his speechlessness, even as he registered that the tension from before had completely vanished. "Maybe you just need to dance more?"

Shepard stepped towards him, coming to rest with a hand on her cocked hip. "You offering to be my partner, Kaidan?"

Kaidan swallowed, wondering how he far he could push this flirty banter and not get himself disciplined for conduct unbecoming. Oh, he'd very much like to be Shepard's partner, in more ways than one...but that was far too forward and even though he knew their flirting – both now and in the past – was enthusiastically two-sided, he still didn't want to do or say something he would regret. "Is that an order, Commander?"

She waved a hand at him dismissively as she stepped forward again.  "I'm pretty sure you can call me Kira, you know. After hours at the very least."

This time, he couldn't help but smile as he put the glass and pills down on the mess' table and stepped towards her himself. "Is that an order,  _Kira_?"

"Well, that depends." She was close enough for him to reach out and touch. "It depends on what  _type_ of dancing you're suggesting. I'm not very good, you know. I might need help."

"Hmmm..." Kaidan, throwing caution to the wind (and at the same time wondering where this courage came from), gently reached out and lifted Kira's hand in his own, out to the side in a quasi-dancing position. In return, just as he'd dared to hope, she stepped close to him and put her other hand on his shoulder, and didn't move away or flinch when Kaidan's free hand rested on the small of her back. It was the closest they had been together, hiding-behind-cover-together-on-missions notwithstanding, and felt far more intimate than any of their previous interactions before. 

"I was thinking something simple and elegant." Kaidan was well aware of Kira's talent for innuendo and double entendre, but when he'd suggested 'dancing' before, he had just meant, well, dancing. As much as he wanted to entertain the notion of another  _kind_ of dancing with Shepard, those guilty thoughts were for him alone and only idle fantasy. He'd far rather play the fool than come on too strongly – and running with her innuendos could easily go too far and make them both uncomfortable.

Instead, he held her gently, and began to sway to a silent tune. She laughed, an oddly relaxed and human sound for the First Human Spectre, and Kaidan was reminded, as he often was, that under the titles and uniform and biotic training was a woman with her own thoughts and feelings. She had to present such a professional face to the word, but at least with him she didn't have to worry about the pageantry of the whole thing. She was his Commander, and to that end he would obey her orders and respect the chain of command, but off duty and when it was just the two of them, he liked that he saw the real side of her and that she felt comfortable to let him see it. 

She shifted closer to him, so much so there was hardly any space between them., Kaidan took the opportunity to spin her out slightly – enough to elicit another laugh – before she was back in his arms again. She moved with him easily and effortlessly, even with the simplicity of their swaying movement. 

"So, you can dance?" She smiled up at him with a raised eyebrow. "You're just full of surprises."

Kaidan felt his face flush. "I don't know if I'd call this dancing, really. I can move, sure."

"Well, you're light on your feet on the field, that much I've seen. I suppose it's not too much of a leap between them." The mischievous glint was back in her eye and Kaidan felt a rush of pleasant surprise. She'd been watching him, had she? He couldn’t deny that the thought of her watching – and appreciating? – him on the battlefield made him feel a bit light-headed in delight. Feeling suddenly inspired, Kaidan planted one foot and dipped Shepard to the side, just a bit. Enough to throw her off balance and let out a quiet but very un-commander-like noise of surprise and laughter. 

When they came back upright, they were pressed against one another fully. Kaidan half-expected Shepard to move back, but she didn't. Instead, she let herself lean into him, clearly enjoying his closeness. "That was smooth," Kira murmured as she slowly, almost tentatively, let her head rest against Kaidan's shoulder. The romantic nature of his gesture evidently hadn't been lost on either of them, and Shepard showing such a clear display of affection only served to heighten Kaidan's emotions even more. 

_I could_ _kiss her._

She was pressed against him like it was the most natural thing in the world, his head so close to her own he could hear her breath. It would be so easy to kiss her now, throw caution to the wind and tell her what she meant to him. How incredible he thought she was.

_How I'm falling in love with her._  

But instead of doing what he wanted to, Kaidan's common sense won through. They were on tour, it was nighttime on the ship and although they were alone now, there was still a skeleton crew on duty. They could be interrupted at any time – and he didn't want to cause her such conflict. So in lieu of kissing her or expressing his emotions, Kaidan decided to dip her again – deeper this time, with a more fluid motion than earlier. Something that was more akin to the classic romantic scene in many vids... 

...and he pulled them back to standing before his heart could get the better of him, his ears ringing with peals of Kira's laughter. 

The sharp movement was enough for his until-now forgotten headache to pulse angrily behind his eyes. Ever observant, Kira saw the brief wince that passed across Kaidan's eyes and smiled warmly at him. "You need some sleep, Kaidan. That headache won't go away without it." She reached up to lightly touch his face, letting her touch linger for a moment before spinning herself gently out of his arms, turning and starting to saunter towards her cabin. At the edge of the door, she turned back towards him, the smile still playing across her face. "Thanks for the dance."

It took Kaidan a moment to come back to himself and remember that he was standing in Alliance-issue sweats and singlet in the middle of the darkened mess. Kira had vanished into her cabin, but he couldn't get rid of the dopey grin that he could feel on his face. Being so close together had felt so natural, and she'd fit against him like they were made for one another. She'd been receptive to it too, more than he could have dared hope, though could that have been because it was night and there was no one around. The quiet of the night-cycle did provide a limited degree of privacy, and their actions together tonight had certainly transcended their usual battlefield flirting into something closer. 

Her smile was at the forefront of his mind as he – finally – filled a glass of water to swallow down the pills that had been forgotten on the table. This encounter had been like something out of a dream - light-hearted and a bit silly, but also intensely intimate. There had  _definitely_ been a boundary crossed tonight, and as unprofessional as it was, Kaidan hoped Shepard – Kira – was as happy with that as he felt, and in the harsh light of ship-day wasn't going to reprimand him for their shared moment of quiet bliss. Or, worse, close off to him in fear she'd gone too far. If it came to that, he'd have to screw up his courage and talk to her about it directly – because, in all honesty, whatever line had just been crossed tonight had felt so right. 

The feeling of her being in his arms like she had been was one that would stay with him. As Kaidan closed himself back into his sleeping pod, he realised his headache had lessened even before the painkillers could take effect - maybe he should dance more often, he considered. Maybe Shepard would help...

In the quiet dark of the sleeping pod, Kaidan smiled to himself and nearly laughed aloud, letting innocent fantasies of waltzing with Shepard lull him back to sleep. 


	10. Breaking the Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME3

When the Major came aboard after the Citadel coup attempt, he set himself up in the observation room on the crew deck. It had been an obvious choice; of the two leisure rooms on the Normandy's crew deck, the lounge was the more populated one at any time. So he'd just set himself up in a corner, and everyone knew if the door lock was red he was probably asleep. Kaidan for his part was very easygoing about making sure to keep the room as open as he could, as he was aware he was taking one of the few spaces for the crew to relax. He mainly just used it for a quiet sleeping space and otherwise kept it open for anyone to use, as intended. 

It started slowly. Little things at first. 

Over time – steadily enough that it was hardly noticeable – he became harder to find. Especially near the end of his shift, or in the mornings, Kaidan would simply not be around as much but those accustomed to seeing him didn't think much of it. Until, it was off-handedly mentioned by a crewmate one morning, and suddenly the Major's combined absence between a number of people suddenly felt far more noticeable. But then again, it was said, it was none of their business. The Major's a busy man, so what if he had changed up his routine?

A noticeable mug here, a book there, they vanished from their customary places but their owner didn't seem to mind. It was very easy to lose little things on a ship as big as the Normandy, after all. It wasn't really that surprising, the Major moved around the ship a lot attending to different duties, so it was likely he had put them down somewhere else and forgotten. After all, he spent a lot of his time in the War Room helping Shepard plan missions or going over intel. And then there's the reports that need doing, that she often had input on. Or he'd be touching base with other squad members. 

A few days later a piece of scuttlebutt started among some of the lower-deck crewmembers. It was probably nothing, but someone had noticed the observation deck had been unlocked all night. Which was odd, because EDI automatically locked the door if Major Alenko was sleeping. As time passed, it seemed that the door was _never_ locked anymore. Maybe he'd switched to a different shift, or found a better place to sleep? 

But there were still some of his possessions there. A few personal comforts he'd brought with him were still in their places – until their absence was suddenly noticed by one observant crewmate who'd been trying to work out why the room felt slightly different one ordinary evening. But Major Alekno was still around, and still working on the war effort with Shepard, so it was clear he'd just moved to quarters more appropriate. Nothing odd about that. 

It was Shepard who eventually began to give the game away. Everyone had noticed she'd become more focused, but there was also a lightness about her. Her strength, both mental and physical, was unchanged but it seemed that the light in her eyes that had been dimmed as of late had returned. It was clear she was still exhausted, running herself ragged to do whatever needed doing, but she'd also begun to stand a little straighter and find reserves of energy that seemed super-human. It was heartening and encouraging to the crew to see their Commander pull herself back from the brink of losing herself to the darkness of war. She seemed to have come back to herself, smiling more, even laughing loudly over silly jokes in the mess.  

One night, after Shepard's focused and optimistic energy had been especially noticeable during the day shift, a group of junior marines stumbled onto the answer. Talking about everything and nothing in the lounge while off-shift, they put the pieces together and immediately swore one another to secrecy in light of their revelation. 

It made sense, they whispered over their drinks. There had been a lower-deck rumour about them years ago, and now they were working together again. Major Alenko had new quarters. Shepard seemed to have reconnected with herself. And they were always seen working so closely together...hardly out of one another's company, in fact. 

The scuttlebutt spread quietly through the ship of course, with an added message – anyone who ruined this was going to be airlocked. But the threat was unnecessary, these were Shepard's people and no one amongst them begrudged the Commander a taste of happiness. Or the Major, for that matter. It was clear that what was going on hadn't negatively impacted their mission – if anything, the ship was working more cohesively now that their Commander didn't feel she had to take everything on her own shoulders. She had been supporting them, supporting everyone she could, without someone to ground her. Now she had someone and the change was clear once looked for.  

Everyone knew this was breaking the rules.

No one cared. 

It was so obvious now that they were keeping things professional while on duty for the crew's sake, but those watching saw fleeting moments that betrayed both the senior officers. Alenko would often touch her back briefly as he passed, Shepard had been seen holding his hand under the mess table in the crowd. They were tiny moments that spoke volumes about the two of them, brief glances and touches that proved the depth of their feelings.  Crewmates nudged one another and grinned, sharing knowing looks, but never went further.

Eventually some of the crew became slightly bolder, finding little ways to indicate they knew and didn't care. Traynor began redirecting Kaidan's emails to Shepard's terminal in her cabin. EDI changed the laundry roster so two sets of towels were sent to Shepard's cabin as well as Kaidan's clean fatigues. 

By the time Shepard and Kaidan realised some people knew, he'd been sharing her cabin solidly for more than a few weeks. At first they were mortified, Shepard swearing that they had been _so careful_ , even making sure they left at different times before the majority of the crew was up and retiring later than most. For a while she'd expected a heart-breaking call from Hackett, until Kaidan drew her attention to the behavior changes in the crew. 

There weren't any. 

If anything, Shepard supposed as she surveyed the crowded mess one morning, the ship was more relaxed overall. Not in a careless or complacent way, but the atmosphere on the ship had changed. There was a new feel of optimism and the willingness to withstand whatever came at them, a new sense of fortitude. When she mentioned it casually to Dr Chakwas, the good doctor simply smiled and told her it was because the ship fed off Shepard's own energy, and when she was focused and relaxed, they were too. Chakwas also quietly mentioned that both her and Kaidan's Alliance-standard infertility implants were working perfectly well and gave Shepard some more of his migraine pain treatment as she knew his supply was running low. 

Afterwards, Shepard laughed to herself in the elevator, and she idly threw and caught Kaidan's pill bottle. So much for keeping it completely secret...    



	11. Do Not Disturb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME3

"EDI, where's Shepard?" Garrus glanced towards the ceiling. He'd been looking for Shepard for the past fifteen or so minutes, having just received report from Palaven she'd wanted to take a look at. But when he'd gone up to her cabin, he'd found it deserted. A brief walk to the War Room didn't reveal her, nor did a check of the cockpit and CIC. He supposed she should have just asked EDI in the first place. 

"Commander Shepard is currently with Major Alenko in Starboard Observation, Garrus," came EDI's swift and smooth reply. "Shall I alert them?"

Garrus stepped out of the mess and looked down the corridor. The lock was glowing green, so he surely wouldn't be interrupting anything too untoward...Although neither Kaidan or Shepard had outright said anything, it was clear the two of them had gravitated back to one another – regulations be damned. Garrus had worried Kaidan's re-integration to the crew might not go smoothly considering his and Shepard's past issues – being on the ground team for Horizon has been supremely uncomfortable – but it seemed they'd been adults enough to talk things out and come to an understanding, which had quickly and unsurprisingly grown, again, into something far stronger.  Garrus found it odd to consider that the days of Shepard and Kaidan dancing around one another on the SR1 were so long ago.

Took them long enough. 

"Thanks EDI, I got it." Garrus idly tapped a talon on the datapad he held as he made his way to the door, pausing while it opened before him. He stepped across the threshold. "Shepard, I've got that-"

His words died in his throat as he saw Kaidan look back at him from his position sitting on the left-hand couch, bringing a finger to his lips as he shook his head slightly. Frowning, Garrus opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, but Kaidan ushered him forward with a silent flick of his fingers, pointing down to something beside him.

Garrus stepped forward as quietly as he could. As he rounded the end of the couch beside Kaidan, he saw that the Major's left arm was draped around the supine form of Shepard. She was on her side, partially curled up against herself. Her head was on Kaidan's lap, one of her hands entwined around his leg. She was very deeply asleep, her breathing slow and even, with all concerns of the galaxy removed from her face in her slumber. 

"Is she okay?" Garrus asked, kneeling as he reached out to tuck a lock of scarlet hair behind her ear. 

Kaidan nodded. "Yeah. She drifted off while we were going over some reports," he said, indicating to a few forgotten datapads, "and I didn't want to disturb her."

Garrus frowned at Shepard's sleeping form. She looked so normal like this, no Hero of the Galaxy, no figurehead of a war with everyone expecting her to find the answer. She looked at peace, completely relaxed in the arms of someone who cared greatly about her. 

"I know she hasn't been sleeping well," Kaidan whispered as he looked down at her, worry clearly on his face. He knew she had nightmares and tried to be there for her as much as possible. She'd clearly felt guilty every time he'd woken from her thrashing or murmurs, and although he didn't mind, he could only hope that his presence was of help to her as she clawed her way out of the darkness that would consume her in the early hours of the mornings.

Beside him, the turian sighed. "Kaidan, she's not slept properly since she woke up on a Cerberus lab table." He fixed the human with a pointed gaze. "We tried to look after her during that mission, but I don't know how effective it was. She refused sleeping aids from Chakwas, and there were times when she really looked and acted like she hadn't slept in a week." Seeing Kaidan's eyes cloud over with concern, the turian continued in a low voice. "She moved through that mission like she wasn't human. All that energy and light was just gone – she did what she needed to, and did it well. Eventually she loosened up a bit and we got something akin to the old Shepard back, but there was always something missing."

Garrus shifted himself so he was sitting in front of the pair, on the floor. "I've not seen her look this relaxed in a very long while."

Kaidan's face flicked in a small smile his hand rubbed gentle patterns on her back. Shepard murmured and the corners of her mouth twitched, her arm tightening around his leg. They looked, Garrus thought, adorable. For lack of a better term at least; he'd never tell anyone that the mighty Archangel found two of his friends adorable in this moment of quiet, but there was a relaxed atmosphere here with the two of them and it was clear from the way Kaidan looked at her that this was far more than two friends.

_Finally._

"I don't know for sure what's going on between you," Garrus said, holding up a taloned hand to prevent Kaidan from interjecting, "...and frankly it's none of my business." His mandibles shifted as he smiled at the human. "You're good for her, Alenko. I know you had your...differences, but she wasn't the same without you around."

Kaidan considered the turian before him. Garrus and Shepard had been as thick as thieves ever since he'd come to help them search for Saren. It was no secret that Garrus was pretty much her best friend, and even though Kaidan knew there was no competition for Shepard's affection – especially as scuttlebutt was making noises about Garrus and a certain quarian engineer – it was important to him that he and Garrus rebuilt their own friendship which had faded after Shepard's death above Alchera. 

It was, after all, Garrus who had stood by her when she needed him, Garrus who had had her back in the snake-pit that was Cerberus, Garrus who had tried to do all he could to support her. And Kaidan himself? Well, they all knew how that had turned out. 

The Major sighed. "I was such an idiot."

Garrus snorted back a laugh. "I won't disagree, but that's in the past. What's important is now, and right now you've found your way back to one another. She seems more like her old self now you're here."

On the couch Shepard shifted, still deeply asleep as she repositioned her head atop Kaidan's leg. 

Kaidan brushed his hand down her face gently, not wanting to wake her. Garrus was right, she'd not been this relaxed in a long time, and he wanted to keep her undisturbed for as long as possible. Shepard was running herself raggard with everything going on, the very least she deserved was a few hours' peace. The two men were silent for a few moments, both listening to Shepard's measured breathing. Kaidan started slightly as he looked up to find Garrus grinning at him, amusement in the turian's eyes.  

"You've still got it bad, don't you?" 

Unable to stop himself, Kaidan sighed and rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. It wasn't problematic Garrus knew about his feelings, but hell, was he really that transparent? He looked to the turian and nodded. "I'm irrevocably in love with her, Garrus."

To his credit, Garrus simply nodded at Kaidan's confession rather than laughing or poking fun at him. He inclined his head toward Shepard. "Does she know?"

"Yeah."

"And...?" He left the question hanging. Although he was curious to find out the truth going on between them, Garrus wasn't going to make Kaidan admit to anything he didn't want to. The SR2 hadn't been right without him there; even aside from being Shepard's obvious soulmate, Kaidan had been someone the turian had considered a friend and comrade, and he knew Tali had missed their tech-speak geekouts. Without him around on the Collector mission, Garrus privately felt there had been an element of level-headedness and care that was missing. 

Now the ship's energy had altered, as Kaidan added military knowledge and prowess to the War Room and ground team but had also gone out of his way to reconnect with old friends. Tinkering in engineering with Tali, sharking a drink with Garrus, or even collating data for Liara while hanging out in the cockpit with Joker. The lost piece of their little family. 

Kaidan exhaled softly as he looked down at the sleeping woman beside him. "She feels the same."

_Excellent_. 

If anyone had asked him a few years ago, Garrus would have said that such an interpersonal relationship on a war frigate was unconventional at best and unwise at worst. But Shepard never had been conventional, and through her friendship Garrus had felt more comfortable with expressing his own thoughts rather than falling into line in a truly turian military style. She'd always had a talent to relax people and let them come out of their shells. 

If there was anyone in the galaxy who deserved this happiness in such darkness it was her. 

And Kaidan too, Garrus considered after a moment, wasn't far behind. Considering the mess of a last few years he'd been through. They needed one another to be what this war needed them both to be, and as that was hand in hand with the love and support they would consistently provide one another...anyone who couldn't see the benefits to such a strong partnership was blind. 

But there weren't going to be many moments like this. Not in an active warzone. 

Maybe he shouldn't intrude on this tiny piece of solitude any longer. These two were likely to have very little time to spend with one another anyway, thanks to their ongoing duties. And he also knew Shepard wouldn't exactly want an audience while she was sleeping...

Garrus picked up the report he'd long abandoned on the floor and passed it to Kaidan as he stood. "When she wakes, she wanted to see this." 

The Major flicked an eye over it and nodded, adding it to the small pile of datapads beside him. "Sure."

Just before he reached the door, Garrus turned back. "Kaidan?" 

"Yeah?" Said Kaidan and he tilted his head back to look at the turian.     


"I'm glad you're recovered and back," Garrus said softly. "We all missed you, but her most of all."

"I'm not going anywhere, Garrus," Kaidan said pointedly with a brief glance at Shepard. 

"I know you're not," the turian laughed just before he closed the door. Outside in the corridor, Garrus straightened and addressed the ceiling. "EDI, try not to let anyone disturb them. Shepard's...resting."

"Of course. I also think that would be best." The lock on the door changed from green to orange, indicating that the doors would no longer open on the approach of a crew member and Garrus nodded to himself as he made his way back to the forward battery. 

If he was honest with himself, he was truly happy for them. Shepard was like his sister, and deserved happiness – but right now, amidst these crazy times, such things were all the more important. She deserved someone who would ground her and believe in her in a way none of them could, and Kaidan was, and always had been, her perfect fit. 

As he heard Tali's laugh coming from the galley, Garrus wondered if he'd ever achieve something as beautiful.    



	12. Heaven (explicit)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one turned explicit quickly...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME3

They were so close. Shepard's hands rested on his shoulders, his sat upon the curve of her waist. He could smell her shampoo, the delicate floral scent only contributing to the light-headedness he felt. Her blue eyes sparkled as she looked up at him beneath half-closed lids, her breathing heavy against his chest.    


"Why haven't you kissed me yet?" The question was asked with a sense of trepidation, and maybe just a little pleading.    


In truth, Kaidan had wanted to. Every second after they left Apollo's. He'd resisted the urge to sweep her up in the busy Presidium and passionately kiss her in front of everyone. He'd stopped himself as they found their way slowly back to the Normandy and he made a joke about "walking her home". He knew what would happen if he gave in too quickly, and had instead contented himself with having her in such close proximity and seeing her smile beside him as they talked about nothing and everything while meandering back to the docks.   


He hadn't known how quickly Shepard would want to take this. Not that he'd _expected_ anything, he was just happy that they were finally on the same page. When they'd stepped out from the elevator, he'd not known what was going to come next and honestly was still riding the high of their previous conversation. But Shepard had led him inside her cabin and turned to him as soon as the door had closed.    


Kaidan tried to centre himself in an effort to explain. "Because once I do, I won't be able to control myself." Amid her heavy gaze, confusion flickered, and he closed his eyes to avoid being lost in hers. "I've waited years for this, Kira. For a long time, I never thought it would happen. But to have you here with me, and know you feel as strongly for me as I do for you?" He opened his eyes, nearly losing his train of thought as he looked at her.  "I'm so overwhelmed with emotion I'm afraid I'll break."   


She touched his face with one hand, gently. He leant into the loving gesture. "You won't break," she whispered. "I won't let you."   


"If I kiss you now, I'll lose control. If I don't kiss you, I'll lose my mind." Kaidan sighed and bowed his head. "I don't want to rush, but I don't know if I can help it."   


Shepard lifted his head to meet her soft gaze. "We don't have to rush anything. Not anymore. We don't have to hide this, any further than we choose to." She leaned into him further, bringing her face closer to his. "Don't you think we've endured enough?"   


She tilted her face towards him, but let Kaidan close the narrow distance. As his lips brushed against hers, gently and sweetly, she felt his hands move from her hips to wrap tightly across her back, pulling her close. Her own arms were draped around his neck as she reveled in the feeling of holding him and being held. He broke the kiss, still hugging her close. "I can't tell you how much I've missed that."  


Smiling, Shepard slid her hands into Kaidan's hair. "I'm guessing as much as I have," she murmured as the distance between them closed again.    


This time, their kiss deepened. It was still quite gentle, but the added passion and insistence was clear. They both wanted this, needed this. With all that had been said today and the emotions that had been revealed, there was a sense of freedom. Finally, they had confessed the truth – no more dancing around one another, no more hoping that the other would make the first move. Now they had the chance to move forward – together. But they both knew how much this meant, and didn't want to throw anything away by simply giving in for physical gratification alone.    


Kaidan wanted this to be special for Shepard.    


Shepard wanted Kaidan to forget about the time they'd lost.   


He pulled away from her, trailing kisses down her jaw and onto that one spot on Shepard's neck she'd always loved. Sure enough, he was rewarded with a sigh and a shudder that passed through her torso. Rebuilt body or not, she still had the same weak points...   


Shepard's fingers twisted in his hair as he kissed her collarbone. After a few moments enjoying the sensation she pulled his head back to hers and kissed him again, relishing taste of his tongue on hers. Kaidan had always enjoyed her kissing him deeply like this, and she was only too happy to oblige. She slipped her arms down his chest and rested them lightly on his hips, mustering the courage to pull away from Kaidan and look at him with the unspoken question in her eyes. He gladly let her divest him of his uniform shirt, unable to keep from smiling as she looked at his bare chest with obvious appreciation.    


When she placed a hand on his hip and one on his belt, Kaidan knew what she was silently asking. He placed his hands gently over hers. "It's...been a long time since I..."    


"It's been a long time for me too, Kaidan," Shepard murmured as she reached up and trailed her fingertips down his neck, smiling at the soft sigh that escaped him. "I don't care. I want you with me."    


Slowly enjoying the gradual reveal, they undressed one another. In the past of another life, they'd done everything from ripping clothing off in a frenzy to hardly taking any off at all, but this time they were gentle and patient about it, sharing the occasional bout of nervous laughter. Kaidan had never felt overly self-conscious about himself, but in that moment he hoped Kira would like what she saw. For his part, he was simply speechless as she revealed more of herself to him.    


Her skin was nearly flawless – a few scars were obviously missing, having been repaired by Cerberus' resurrection work, but it warmed his heart to see that her N7 tattoo, a small coloured logo, was still in its customary place on her right hip. The sight of her dogtags lying against her bare chest was, to Kaidan, an incredibly erotic image.    


It was strange, Kira thought as the last of their clothing fell away. Although they had been naked together before, this time she felt so much more vulnerable and nervous about what he might think of her. Whether that was to do with her rebuilt body not being the same one he'd seen (even though she knew they were mostly identical) or because of the time and emotional distance they had overcome, she couldn't be sure.    


She smiled at him, feeling encouraged by how he was clearly drinking in the sight of her. "Well, I'm going to move to the bed. If you'd like to join me..." Kira left the invitation hanging in the air as she slowly moved down the stairs to the bed, her hips swaying alluringly with each step. Kaidan couldn't keep his eyes off her. Her naked form was as breathtaking as he remembered, better than anything his torturous half-forgotten dreams could provide.    


He watched as she settled herself on the bed, leaning slightly against the pillows, looking like a goddess. It was an amazing view and obvious invitation. Kaidan was immediately drawn to her as he followed the same path, stopping at the end of the bed near her feet. Shepard's gaze, which had until now been fixed on his, lazily moved down his form and back up to his face as she bit the edge of her lip in admiration of the stunning sight before her.    


Seeing Kaidan shirtless in Huerta had been impressive enough, but she'd never realized how much she'd missed truly seeing him, until she had the chance to see _all_ of him like this. In the half-light of the cabin, he looked like he was sculpted from marble. Sure, Kaidan was _incredibly_ attractive and the years had certainly been physically kind to him, but there was a noble quality about him in this moment and it made her breath catch. Not to mention his clear arousal, and the knowledge that her and only her was responsible for it, sent a blissful thrill down Kira's spine.    


Slowly Kaidan knelt on the bed beside her feet, and began gently kissing his way up her body, starting at her ankle. Shepard nearly laughed at how cliched it was, but she couldn't deny that his feather-light kisses were tickling all the right nerves and she was enjoying the sensations. He kept a hand on her at all times, even while his kisses wandered to cover every inch of her skin. Kaidan was going to take his time, his own nearly overwhelming need be damned. He'd waited so long to see her like this again and wanted to commit every bit of her to memory.    


He continued to work his way up her body, nearly failing to resist the urge to kiss her where he _knew_ she wanted it, and was careful to not even let his hand stray too close to her apex. As aroused as he was, he wanted this intimacy more and knew the anticipation would only heighten the act. He kissed his way across her stomach, between her breasts, and up her neck, all the while enjoying the contended sighs and sounds Kira was making. When he found himself face to face with her again, he kissed her sweetly, feeling her smile against him.    


He lay beside her, propped up on one arm. For a few long moments, all he could do was look down at her, appreciating every curve of her body. Kira's pale skin seemed to glow softly in the dim light of the cabin, but he knew he'd be able to make her flare and light the room. There _were_ some familiar scars missing, and a few new ones she'd have to tell him about, but he didn't care. She was here with him, beautiful beyond words in her naked glory, and he wanted to explore every inch of her.    


Kaidan wrapped an arm around her to draw her close, but Kira stopped him with a gentle hand on his shoulder. He gazed at her, expectantly, and was surprised to see she looked a little nervous.   


"I told you how Cerberus...rebuilt me? I might not be how you remember."   


Kaidan smiled, kissing her cheek and nuzzling against her. "I guessed. Just means I'll have to take my time learning a new masterpiece."   


She laughed quietly at his endearing phrasing. "I also haven't..."   


"Ah," Kaidan looked at her with a mischievous glint in his eye. "You're saying this body is a virgin?"   


Kira briefly nipped his lip between her teeth in reply to his insinuation. "The mind's the same, though. And it is most definitely experienced." For a moment a hint of somberness came into her tone. "But it might feel different."    


He kissed her deeply, tasting her mouth. " _You're_ not different." He kissed her again, feeling her body shift instinctively to be closer to him. "I want you." Another kiss, letting himself linger upon her lips until she groaned softly. "I need you. The you that's here with me now, not a memory from years ago."    


Kira ran a hand up Kaidan's chest, relishing the sculpted muscles her fingers found as she reached for his dogtags. She held them gently, running her thumb over the embossing. "I want you to take one of mine."   


Kaidan nodded, smiling as he cupped her face. "I'd like that, a lot."   


He lifted her tags from around her neck reverently and placed them, along with his own, on the bedside table. They would deal with that later – right now there was something else requiring his immediate attention, and he didn't want to waste any more time. He pulled her close, feeling her warm skin on his. It was a sensation he recalled both of them enjoyed, and now was no different. As he began to gently kiss her neck again, one of his hands slid down her bare form to where he'd been waiting to touch her.    


She was slicker than he'd expected. It was clear she'd been aroused by him, but her eagerness made him bolder as he used her own nectar to wet his fingers while he teased her. Shepard moaned into his mouth at his touch, arching her back to press herself against him, wordlessly begging for more even as her own hands reached for him. One laid against his neck, her fingertips toying with the edge of his hair, as the other slipped down between them.   


It was Kaidan's turn to gasp as her hand brushed against him. He looked down at her, breathing heavily as he let himself surrender to the feeling. Shepard cast her leg over him, giving him greater access to herself while shifting the angle of her hand to begin stroking him. He moaned aloud as she firmly gripped him, letting the mix of emotions – arousal, happiness, relief, gratitude – wash over him as Kira kissed him again.    


She was pushing herself into his hand as he ran a thumb over her clit and continued to manipulate her with gentle but eager fingers. Her heat was blissful to his touch, her wetness encouraging him as much as the sounds she was making while she kept up her own contact with his cock. He felt solid and enthused in her hand as she caressed him, loving the clear enjoyment Kaidan was displaying. Giving him pleasure was something she had always liked and as there had been no chance until now, she was going to give him everything he wanted.   


She broke from their fevered kissing to lay her head against his neck, moaning with the delicious sensations he was giving her. Kaidan's sounds had changed from heavy breathing to the beginning of something louder, and as he whispered her name Kira pulled away from his hand and slid herself down to his waist.   


She'd always enjoyed giving partners her full attention and letting them enjoy themselves for a while, not requiring mutual action or reciprocation. She found so much of her own enjoyment and arousal stemmed from the prospect of giving her partners such a gift and seeing their reaction, and Kaidan was no different. She desperately wanted to taste him, and give him the thrill of the sensation which turned her on immensely.  She flicked her gaze up his body where he was looking at her in anticipation, his eyes dark with lust. Without breaking eye contact, she leaned forward and gently swirled her tongue around the head of his shaft, causing Kaidan to groan and involuntarily throw his head back onto the pillows.    


" _Fuck_ , Kira..."   


His hands found her hair, soft against her scalp. With a cheeky smile at his obvious enjoyment, Kira slowly licked him from the base of his cock to the head, making sure he could feel her tongue on every inch of his skin. He was looking down at her again, his eyes half closed as he watched this vision of beauty place his swollen cock head to her lips and slide him inside her mouth. Kaidan moaned again, loudly, as he felt the warmth of her tongue slip against the underside of his shaft, tickling and massaging him. One hand grasped his base as she began to move and let his hard cock slide in and out of her mouth unhurriedly, letting him enjoy the sensations as she did.    


She looked up at him and winked, and Kaidan moaned again, hardly able to process what was happening. He had the love of his life practically worshiping his cock, her mouth was heaven and even the sight of her was straight out of his old fantasies.  As if she knew his mind, she began to quicken her pace, sucking him deep into her mouth and pulling him completely out. All the while her hands were busy on the base of his shaft, making sure no part of him was neglected as her other hand gently cupped his balls. 

The soft pressure was driving him wild, but even years later she recalled his tells and was sure to slow herself and stop long before he reached the point of no return. His soft haze of blue hadn't even had time to manifest as a full corona before she slowed and released him, letting her hand leisurely stroke his shaft as she turned her blue eyes on him.      

"How do want me?" The question was breathless, needy. She wanted him badly, needed to feel him inside her. Pleasuring him may not have had a physical component for her, but she couldn't deny giving it to him had heightened her own arousal more.    


Kaidan reached for her, pulling her up beside him and kissing her deeply. She threw her head back as he kissed at her breasts and tended to each nipple briefly, causing her moan in turn. He cupped one breast as he pulled back to look at her, letting his hand feel the weight of it and her feel the warmth of his hand and familiar tingle of the very edge of his biotics. "What do you want?"

Kira shook her head, not wanting to waste time. "You first," she said as she squeezed his cock to emphasize her point.    


He put his hand on her cheek, looking at her sincerely with love clearly visible in his gaze. "You on top. I want to see you."   


She nodded as she rolled Kaidan fully onto his back and straddled his hips. Kira couldn’t help but shudder at the feeling of his hardness against her. Two years ‘dead’, six months of high-class incarceration, the reaper invasion and subsequent war – she’d been so close to losing him – and now, they were here. Fate had brought them back together, and she was going to take every advantage.   


Kira bent herself forward, placing both hands on Kaidan’s face as she tilted her hips and felt his length slip against her heat and wetness. She felt him shudder beneath her as they both enjoyed the sensations, and Kira felt her need for him grow stronger.  She’d wanted to be restrained and just enjoy that they were together again, but feeling him throb against her and hear the sounds he was making, seeing him beneath her…   


She couldn't hold out anymore. Reaching between them while still staring deeply into his eyes, she positioned his hard shaft against herself. Biting her lip in anticipation, Kira slid him into herself and felt Kaidan tense in response, groaning and pushing up against her as his warm hands on her hips guided her further down onto him. She gasped as he filled her, savoring the feeling of Kaidan’s length and girth as she sat atop him. 

Looking down at him was like something out of a dream. His hands were on her waist as his eyes raked her body and gazed at her in unbridled lust. In the dim light of the cabin the curvature of his muscles was only vaguely visible but his face…the look on his face she couldn’t resist, nor could she ignore the gentle wisps of blue that were beginning to emanate from his skin. Kaidan really was indescribably beautiful and the sight of him willingly pinned beneath her made her tingle to her very core. As much as she often liked to be in a position of power in the bedroom, she knew she had to be as connected as possible with Kaidan right now and so slowly leaned forward to lay her upper body against him, maximising their skin contact. 

She started a rhythm on top of Kaidan, rolling her hips in a steady motion as she kissed him passionately. The movement allowed her to sink onto him deeply and withdraw him slowly, one of her hands on Kaidan's hip to guide him as her other hand caressed his face intimately. She wanted Kaidan to experience this as she was – feeling every inch of him as he slid inside her so he felt every inch of her warmth and wetness around his cock. The feeling was indescribable as Kaidan pushed up into her with equal restrained speed, moaning softly every time he entered her as if this was some kind of divine torture. She laid her lips against his neck and began to kiss and nip at his soft skin. Kaidan’s arms wrapped around her in response, holding her close as he pushed up into her. 

Having Kaidan beneath her had been a fantasy in the darkest hours of the night ever since she was resurrected. Now that he was here, fulfilling her and completing her, she couldn’t believe her luck. All she wanted to do was make love to him until the sun and planets disappeared, and be here in this moment. Every deep thrust was making her moan with lust and passion, every withdrawal in preparation for the next thrust making him gasp. Kaidan implicitly knew that their surrender to one another, this connection they had, was partly responsible for the pure intensity of their passion. 

And if it kept up, he’d lose himself before he wanted to. Kira was driving him _crazy_. The sensation of her atop him, the feeling of finally being inside her, of holding her again, the sounds she was making…it was overwhelming. It was filling such a deep and primal need, and she was…she was everything to him. The faint blue wisps that danced over his skin were starting to appear on her too, a sure sign that her own pleasure was building. It was a cycle – her pleasure increased his, and vice versa. As Kaidan felt the sensation within him grow he groaned, wanting to prolong the experience. 

Smoothly, he rolled them so she was now beneath him, slipping himself out of her as he did so. Kira groaned with the sudden emptiness she felt, frowning slightly as she reached for him, but he avoided her arms with a grin and slid himself down the bed to lie between her legs. Kira’s head fell back onto the pillows as she realised what was coming next, and Kaidan felt her fingers in his hair and he lent forward to kiss her on her most personal of lips. 

At the merest touch her back arched, demanding more. Kaidan had such a talent for oral sex, and it was something she hadn’t had the absolute pleasure of experiencing for the last few years. She found his ministrations incredibly relaxing as well as arousing, and she was desperate for his touch now. Gently, Kaidan kissed the inside of her thigh, her skin soft and warm against him. Her scent was unashamedly hers alone, and he knew her taste would be divine as well – just like it had been all those years ago. 

He kissed the outside of her lips, glancing up to find her contemplating him intensely. The look on her face clearly displayed how much she wanted what Kaidan was mere inches from giving, revealing her desperation without a word. Kaidan broke their eye contact and laid his lips to her clit, reveling in both the taste of her and the shuddering reaction that had come with his action.  Kira's fingers raked over his scalp as her hips pushed up towards him, driving her taste deeper into his mouth. 

Kaidan didn't realise how much he'd missed this until he dragged his tongue over her entrance, nearly overwhelmed with pleasure by her slick juices. Gods, he'd missed this. He'd missed her. He'd missed the ways she made him feel and all the things she did to him. All the ways a look or touch could make him lightheaded and the way her body fit against his as if designed to do so. 

Gently but greedily, Kaidan ravished her with his mouth. He kissed her as deeply as he could, rewarded with her arching hips and primal moans, even as her hands gripped his hair. He tended to her clit, feeling her shudder as her biotic flare ebbed and flowed across her skin. He loved her taste and the sounds she made, and basked in the knowledge that he was giving her such pleasure and she was enjoying it so much, surrendering to his ministrations. 

He was so attentive and eager, and it was a major turn on. Kira could feel his breath, warm against her as Kaidan's tongue hungrily circled her clit and made her shiver. She felt the familiar stirring in her loins, the ache that indicated something else was building. She longed to give all of herself to him, even as his attention was making her weakly cry out as he all but devoured her. Her breathing was becoming more uneven as he continued to kiss and lick her deeply at the apex of her thighs, delighting in her responses. 

As much as Kaidan wanted to bring her to the brink this way, he knew he had to have her again. He had to be inside her to and feel her movement, let himself kiss those perfect lips until they both reached the peak of their pleasure. He would make sure he had time to taste her again soon. 

When he pulled himself away she growled in longing, trying to convince him to stay where he was. Kaidan grinned, pleased at her reaction, and raised himself up from where he had been supine as he tasted her.   


She looked divine, lying on the bed waiting for him. Her skin was flushed, the red offset but the pale sheen of blue that was emanating out of her skin. Her hair was swept back at a messy angle, her bright eyes fixed on his in a blatant come-hither stare. He wanted to kiss every inch of her and _never_ let her go. She reached out a hand to him, desiring him back and capturing his lips as he leaned down to meet her.    


Her hands roamed over his back as he settled between her legs, his shaft nudging against her. The feeling was promise of the pleasure to come, and Kira shifted her hips to get him in the perfect place. He'd wanted to tease her, make her need as great as his own, but having her here and looking at her so ready for him, Kaidan couldn't hold out any longer. He shifted forward to enter her again. She moaned contentedly as he did so, hooking one leg around him as Kaidan's arms slipped around her to hold her body as closely to his as possible.   


He was gentle in his movements, almost teasing, as be began to move in and out of her. He was trying to thrust as slowly as she had before, the memory of the exquisitely tantalizing rolling of her hips spurring him on. This time he wanted her to be the one in blissful agony, tempted into losing herself in the sensations as they connected deeply each time.    


However, Kaidan was losing his restraint. He was nearing pure desperation in needing all of her and she was far too alluring for him to hope to keep control. Just looking at Kira made him want to surrender himself, being inside her only heightened the sensations to new levels and he wanted to give in and lose himself in her.   


Kaidan began to quicken his pace, letting his shaft push into her faster, gently tilting his hips until he sunk deep to the hilt with each thrust and made her groan on the bed before him.

“Yes, Kaidan, yes…”

Hearing her whisper his name was like a drug and Kaidan felt his own sensations heighten. He was trying to keep the steady pace without giving in to the animalistic frenzy that was building, but his control was in danger of slipping. He knew he had to give himself up to her.

Kira seemed to sense it. She broke from their fevered kissing and started to whisper to him how she wanted more and how incredible he felt, as wisps of blue flicked on her bare skin. She was so beautiful as she kissed him deeply once more, before throwing her head back in euphoria. 

“Please…”

More than happy to oblige, Kaidan began to drive himself into her harder, pushing himself deeply into Kira. Beneath him she was writhing on his cock, moaning loudly as he took her passionately, loving every minute of it. As his cock dove into her deeper and harder, it made them both groan on every thrust. Her incoherent noises became begging and pleading for more, as he buried himself up to the hilt every time. The deepness of his thrusts was driving her crazy as she felt the sensation build, and Kaidan’s steady pace was firing every nerve in her body as they moved together. 

She started to cry out louder as he drove into her. Evidently his deep thrusts were hitting the right place, as she began whispering half-heard sweet nothings to him. Her moans were growing as he felt her hands all over his back, touching as much of him as possible. Her breath was coming in short gasps and Kaidan could feel the pressure around his cock alter as her body began to tense. She was close to losing herself. It wasn’t long before the blue on her skin flicked and grew brighter, and her cries working up to a crescendo. 

Kaidan wasn’t far behind. Seeing her beneath him on the edge of coming undone, the intensity of _him_ being with _her_ , how incredible she felt and sounded…it was all building to be too much. His biotics were building to a brighter blue now, iridescent on his skin as they mixed with Kira’s own aura. He craved the ecstasy only she could give.   


Thrusting deeply into her again and again, hearing her, feeling her, Kaidan felt his body tense and drove into her strongly as he started to climax. With one last deep push Kaidan surrendered to the building sensations, losing himself completely in the feeling of her. His Kira, his love, his one and only. As he cried out, Kira shuddered beneath him accompanied by a long, drawn-out moan. Kaidan kept thrusting into her throughout their mutual orgasm, heightening the sensations for them both. Each pulse of his shaft, he thrust deeply into her, electing loud cries in response as she felt him and held him closer, never wanting to let go.

She became starlight in his arms. Their biotics flared together, a bright flicker of blue that illuminated the room like magic. It seemed that for the brief flash of light, time stopped and there was nothing else but the two of them. Even the dust in the air and the stars outside seemed suspended within their moment as the gazed at one another. 

Two ethereal beings; drawn together by fate, connected by passion and bound by love.

As Kaidan gently rolled off her, he made sure to capture Kira’s lips is a sweet kiss. The intensity of what they had just experienced, the heightened emotions from earlier in the evening, and the driving desire made him feel exhausted but completely elated. Kira placed her head on his chest and gazed up at him, her eyes half closed. For the first time since he’d seen her in Vancouver prior to the attack, she looked truly relaxed. 

She reached out her hand and drew her fingertips down his face, smiling as he leaned into the touch. “I love you, Kaidan Alenko.”

Kaidan kissed her hand and gathered her into his arms. “I love you, Kira Shepard.”

As Kira drifted into a pleasantly tired sleep, she knew this was what she’d been waiting for. Not just the sex – though to be honest that was the most intense sex she’d ever had – but to have Kaidan, and all that he was, back beside her. 

* * *

It took the work of a few moments to swap tags. As Kaidan put his back on, it somehow felt the familiar weight was different. This chain was now so much more than simple identification, it was a symbol of his connection with, and commitment to, Shepard. One he could carry with him though whatever the future would bring, and knowing Shepard's tags shared the same significance to her made it all the more special. 

As much as the flood of endorphins was responsible for his emotional high, Kaidan could still tell there was something different about this. Now they'd admitted their feelings for one another, and reconnected physically, he could sense that this wasn't like before onboard the SR1. This was...deeper. He didn't know how else to explain it; he supposed it could have been to do with their growth as individuals or the time that had passed, but Kira felt like the truest, realest thing he'd ever experienced. 

He looked up as she sat beside him on the bed. "What's up?"        

Kaidan shrugged. "It might sound stupid, but I feel you're the missing piece of my life. I didn't even know it was missing, I just feel whole now." He laughed at himself, slightly embarrassed. "Sorry, your partner's a bit of a sap."

She leaned her head onto his shoulder. "No, I understand what you mean. This isn't like before. Before Alchera...you were who I loved. Now? You're more than that." She looked at him, blue eyes shining in the light. "You feel like home."

They sat in comfortable silence together, as he held her tightly. "Kaidan, you complete me. And I mean that in the most literal way. I can't really explain it, but you just...do." She smiled as he planted a kiss against her temple. She'd been concerned before their sanity check, about openly admitting to Kaidan how she felt about him, but this quiet moment together only served to reassure her that she'd made the right decision. She needed him with her, both as a partner and as a the Major – someone to ground her both during missions and in the quiet times when the overwhelming responsibility of the situation threatened to overwhelm her. She knew she'd never ask him to lighten her burden, but also knew that he would try to do so anyway and the thought made the whole war less daunting. To have someone her side, not just as Commander Shepard but simply as Kira, who she could let her guard down around and just be human...the thought made her indescribably happy. 

And there were benefits to that happiness.  



	13. Broken Pieces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME2

Shepard was barely keeping herself together. She was just a broken woman, held together by armour and spite. Broken by physical trauma and mental exhaustion, but now broken by emotional turmoil too. 

Waking up and being dragged back from death had been bad enough. Physically she was getting stronger and her body had been rebuilt; healed so it was identical to her old one, maybe even a bit better with all the new bells and whistles. Yet, there was a deep ache – whether real or psychosomatic she didn't know – that she still felt. Sometimes it was hard to breathe, as if she was back above Alchera. Sometimes she felt as if she could hardly move, like her body was at the edge of giving out. Every injury and strain received on missions was a reminder of life, her life, continuing on but they all took their toll. 

Mentally she'd been a mess since walking up under attack. She'd slipped easily into a simple yet unhealthy state of mind, pushing away anything that would cause her to think too much or cause undue stress. Anything that would make the weight of the situation fall upon her, any thoughts that would cause to realise just what she had lost and how much of an imposter she'd become. 

The first night she was on the new SR2, she couldn't get past the door of her cabin. The room was too big, too flamboyant for her, too open to the terror of the outside. She could see the stars and what once brought her joy now brought her terror. She slept in the co-pilot's seat next to Joker, where there was some shred of comfort. Joker didn't take a break that night, he slept in the cockpit too in case she needed a friendly face and he never asked her why she was there. 

She realised that she couldn't do that again, that she had to be Commander Shepard for the crew and so Cerberus wouldn't pick up on her altered mindstate. The second night she stayed in her own quarters, securing herself in a safe space under the desk. She slept there thanks to a bottle. 

Her odd sleeping arrangements took a time to pass, for a week she'd not go any further than her desk other than to get fresh clothing. She started sleeping on the couch when her backache from the cramped desk-nest was becoming constant. Bottles began to last more than one night. By that time she had Garrus again, a sense of normality within the chaos and a friendly face to watch her back on missions. She'd started to delicately probe the deepest thoughts that provoked fresh anguish. Joker would lock the cockpit so she could have privacy to vent. Chakwas had begun to see her daily for talks. She began to drink less and train more to hone her focus. One night she climbed into bed without thinking, and found that it was a blessed comfort, and that she was okay as long as she didn't look up. 

This was going to take time and patience, with herself as well as others. She didn't fit in to the universe anymore, but maybe she could carve out a niche? Maybe she could find a new path. 

On missions, it was easier. She could focus on the objective in the moment, keep a clear head to keep her team safe. When she was busy, she didn't need to think about...before. About how much time had passed and what her original crew was up to. Or how fucked up this whole situation was, her with Cerberus alongside her as she rebuilt her own identity. 

Then came Horizon.

Then she saw  _him_ , and she shattered all over again. 

She had been so relieved, which quickly tuned to despair as he accused her of betrayal. Later it became anger as she privately railed against his words with her own hurt – he'd  _never_ understand what she'd been through and she was angry for herself. Why couldn't he see how broken she was? Why would he abandon her when she needed him most?

But in the moment she felt herself fall apart all over again. Seeing him so angry at her, when she'd been so relieved to see him, was baffling to her and she felt like she was spinning out of control as she attempted to explain. He wouldn't even listen. She knew how bad it must look but he'd trusted her once...

It was Chakwas who gently suggested her massive emotional setback was because she'd associated Kaidan with being someone who grounded her, and that she'd subconsciously expected seeing him to help in her healing. She'd thought he'd come back to her and it would be just like before, validating her new life.  Instead, she'd been so shaken by his reaction it had called into question all the identity-rebuilding she'd done up to that point and all the strength she'd regained. 

Then there had been the question of what she'd lost when it came to Kaidan specifically. Kaidan's love for her, their connection before Alchera, had been a bright point in her life. She'd wanted that to come back to her, to find solace and comfort in him and his love for her. But Kaidan had gone through two years of mourning the death of the woman he loved, and had walked away from her in bitterness and anger unable to believe her. His rejection was more painful than anything else, as he ripped away the support she was so hopeful she'd get back without question. 

She had to heal herself and come to terms with everything mostly on her own, Thane had said. The disconnect between her body and soul couldn't be fixed easily by another, and although Shepard knew she could get help in working through her issues verbally, she also was aware that  _she_ had to pick  _herself_ back up. Otherwise how could she stand on her own when she needed to?

It was difficult to sort through the fog that was constantly in her mind. Some days her thoughts would be terribly dark, other times she felt more like her normal self. They'd been calling this mission a suicide mission after all, so why should it matter if she died in the end? Maybe that was the best outcome, she considered bitterly. Not that she actively wanted to die, or would pursue it... but did it really matter if she made it out of this alive? She had a duty to all those unnamed colonists who were in danger and had no one else looking out for them to see this through to the end, but what was going to happen after? There was nothing waiting for her. She began to push her own limits, take bigger risks onto herself. Whatever it took to stop the Collectors; she could cope with being collateral damage. 

It wasn't until she found her morals compromised in the face of the Illusive Man she realised that there was a part of her Cerberus would never have control over. They could trap her on a ship containing their operatives, make her wear their colours, make sure every mention of her on the Extranet was coupled with a mention of them. Cerberus could imprison her, hurt her, even kill her – but they couldn't compromise her integrity. She may be broken, but at least once piece of that broken warrior was hers alone. They could strip away everything else, try to manipulate her with a better ship and familiar surroundings, but she  _was_ stronger than that. Her integrity was hers alone, and considering her current circumstances, that was the most important part of her right now. That part of her hadn't been something rebuilt or regrown in a lab. 

Knowing that gave her something solid of her own to cling to, allowed her to indulge in small acts of rebellion that made her feel like her old self. If this was to be "her mission" then she'd damn well make whatever calls she could - from the serious matters of channelling Cerberus intel to the Alliance through to the outwardly insignificant things like re-painting her armour in an updated version of her old dark red style, or spending an evening removing the Cerberus logo from her uniform with careful needlework. 

She wanted to feel like herself again. The outside influences were there – a respecting crew who looked up to her, the pressure of a mammoth mission on her shoulders, being recognised from past actions – but she didn't feel like herself inside anymore. And it wasn't like she could just write up a list of what was missing, the pieces of her she had lost so Miranda could grow them back. Chakwas reassured Shepard it was because of the massive mental and emotional upheaval she'd been through, and coming to terms with everything and rebuilding her identity would take time. The good doctor held Shepard's hands and told her things would fall into place with time, and Shepard just had to keep believing that. 

Tali helped by talking and always being optimistic. Garrus was always around for distracting discussions or target practice, and both he and Tali made sure to check in on Shepard to provide company whenever she needed it. It didn't take long for the last of her guards to fall and them to have seen her at every stage of this existential crisis. It was a relief, having close friends who knew she wasn't handling this easily and didn't expect her to. Shepard felt a bit of herself come back again when she drunkenly yelled at Liara on Illium at her apartment, verbally exhausting herself and all her inner turmoil before collapsing in tears while her old friend cried with her over what she'd done. The answers, the emotional release, the deep and meaningful talk with Liara afterwards as they shared another bottle of wine – the next morning Shepard felt hungover, but different. A good different. At peaceful different. 

Filling the Normandy with a ragtag crew was like old times. They'd never beat the original team, but she found that opening up to these new beings wasn't as disastrous as it first appeared. Jacob and Miranda she couldn't help but keep but keep at arm's length at first thanks to their direct association with Cerberus, but they did become friends as time went on. 

Jack, surprisingly, was empathetic with her trying to come back to who she used to be. Jack's method of therapy might have been a lot of swearing and drinking, but at least she could sympathise with Shepard, and although Jack warned that they'd never been "happy sappy princesses" together, she would have Shepard's back and always be up for a biotic spar.

Legion wasn't exactly equipped to help with emotional issues, but they were interesting to talk to and she was happy to learn all she could about the geth and their history. Mordin was the same, mostly he was simply interesting to talk to and a good distraction from her swirling thoughts. They'd talk science and art, she'd ask about his part with the STG. He'd never been a particularly physically affectionate being, but even he laid his hand on hers at one point and reminded her that his lab had no listening devices. 

Grunt was, well, Grunt. Zaeed would tell her all sorts of pirate stories always be up for a drink. 

Kasumi was the first of Shepard's non-original- _Normandy_ mates to break through to her. She sat with Shepard for hours one night, talking about everything and nothing, and in her Shepard felt she'd found a kindred spirit and close friend. And, she was a lot of fun and always up for making Shepard laugh when she needed it. They were the same in a lot of ways; both had few outlets to reveal their true natures, and both were deeply empathetic people. 

But it was Thane and Samara who helped her the most in her recovery. Samara, ever regal and wise, would meditate with her and lead her through deep discussions about the nature of the self and how ones identity tied into their actions, and how to keep the balance between who you wanted to be and who you had to be. As a Justicar, Samara could easily understand the division between Commander Shepard and Kira. Thane guided her though understanding her disconnection of body and soul, and how to take the first steps to rectifying that. Spirituality was something she didn't even realise she'd needed until it was offered, and it helped her find her own answers in the shadows of confusion. Thane became akin to Kaidan, always willing to listen to her latest grievance and offer a fresh perspective. While she was comforted to have someone to talk with at length about deep subjects, in a way it made her miss Kaidan even more. 

Shepard eventually came to another realisation after days of contemplation and meditation, assisted by Samara and Thane. If Kaidan still meant so much to her, and he did, then he deserved an explanation. He deserved to have her tell him everything openly, no secrets, so they could both move on from this. She didn't want to let herself fantasize what "moving on" might entail, but she couldn't deny she still felt strongly for him. He was hurting and confused, just like her. He needed to connect the pieces and come to his own conclusion, just like she would. That, if nothing else, was a reason to come back from the Omega 4 relay alive. She couldn't let Kaidan drive himself mad without the chance to ask everything he needed to, so he could heal. He deserved that at least, to allow himself to let go. 

If that was what he wanted. 

So she had to survive this mission.

To her own mind, Kaidan was still someone that provided her perspective. She could almost hear him sometimes, offering his own thoughts or quips about a situation. She knew that it was likely unhealthy to indulge in such delusions, but if it softened the situation for her, what was the harm? Some nights, when his absence was almost unbearable she'd talk to the picture of him she kept on his desk, venting about the day's mission or thinking aloud as if he was there. The ship felt to empty without him, and she couldn't help listlessly wandering the halls at times, expecting him to appear from around the corner. This might have been the new  _Normandy_ in name and design, but without Kaidan it didn't  _feel_ like the  _Normandy_. It felt empty.

Like she did without him. 

* * *

During her incarceration, as comfortable as it was, she found herself looking into a mirror one morning. For the first time since she'd woken, she found she was looking at herself. The face that started back was  no longer of a stranger, she saw herself. Worn but strong, caring yet decisive. She was herself again. 

She didn't know  when it had happened .

She could still see the figurative spiderwebs of her repaired psyche. All the little cracks that were still visible to her, the last remnant of the rebuilding she'd done. But though she could still feel them they were strong rather than tenuous. She would bear them with pride that she had come back from the edge of oblivion in more ways than one and yet here she stood, intact within herself. All her flaws and strengths were within her and made her who she was.

The fragility beneath her armour was part of her. The scars she bore, both physical and mental, were hers. This body was hers. Cerberus' cybernetic augmentations weren't theirs, they were  _hers_. It didn't matter how this body had come into being; what mattered was what she did with it and who she was. Her mind, heart and soul were still original, for lack of a better word. 

For the first time, she felt at peace with the path she'd walked. She'd never needed to go back to how she was before, she knew now that was impossible. She'd spent so much energy and stress worried that she wasn't like she had been before Alchera, when in reality if Alchera had never happened who she was now still wouldn't have been who she was then. The only way had been forward, not back, and she'd managed it with a lot of help and without the clarity that it was the right way. 

And now the path before her was unknown. Who knew what the coming days would entail, be it more debriefings or quiet incarceration. Maybe she'd be able to get her communication privileges re-instated, and she could finally – finally – send a message to Kaidan. She still missed him terribly, and still loved him, but she wasn't afraid of reaching out to him for fear of his reaction. He wasn't the same person anymore either; they'd both have to learn about one another all over again. 

And if they were no more than colleagues, then so be it. 

If they became friends, then all the better. 

But if they were still drawn to one another inexplicably, if he still felt something for her as she did for him, then maybe they could take the time to see where that went. It would be the hardest path to take, but had the most reward to gain. If Shepard was honest with herself, Kaidan was the missing part of her life. She was healed in her own self and she knew that, but in a contradiction she also knew she wouldn't be whole without him. She couldn't explain it – his being in her life would somehow made her more complete, and if he wasn't interested without him she would simply have to cope. It was as if his love would enhance everything she was and had become. 

Those were fanciful thoughts. The important thing was she was intact in herself. The collection broken pieces had been reassembled and she was stronger for it, prepared to face whatever the future held. 


	14. Hero

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: During ME3, before the Citadel coup

"What, you mean Shepard, the one-woman army?"     


Sitting at the bar, less than a few metres from the table of soldiers, Kaidan couldn't help the grin that crept over his face. The marine who had spoken, a younger sandy-haired man, was laughing as he took his next mouthful of beer. "She's unstoppable!"    


His comment came just after a report from the Alliance News Network, which was playing in the small establishment that was a favourite of Alliance staff. Shepard, it appeared, had been on Tuchanka – and the report had shown some frankly incredible images, which had left many in the bar stunned and Kaidan himself speechless.     


Commander Shepard facing off against reaper forces in a ground fight.    


Commander Shepard engineering a joint operation with krogans and turians.     


Commander Shepard helping cure the genophage.    


Commander Shepard taking down a Reaper.  _With a thresher maw._     


Kaidan, for his part, had been torn between admiration and sheer panic. Of course, Shepard was okay and had survived the mission without injury (the report was very clear on that), but that didn't stop Kaidan's heart jumping into his mouth every time he saw footage of Shepard in the thick of fighting. Tuchanka had _clearly_ been utterly insane, and that was considering the insanity ravaging the rest of the galaxy in comparison.     


Shepard had, once again, done the unthinkable – this time politically. She'd enabled the curing of the genophage which had secured the assistance of the krogan on the front lines of the Reaper war. She had, somehow, negotiated the end of generations of animosity and united two races for the greater good. Kaidan didn't even want to think how she'd managed to navigate that political quagmire, and idly wondered what the repercussions might be – he didn't think the Salarians would be too pleased with this development...    


The table near him cheered as the vidscreen above the bar flashed with a recap of the night's report – incredible images of a massive thresher maw slamming into a reaper, and Shepard, bloodied and battleworn, laughing at someone off camera. Kaidan found himself staring at the image, entranced by her.     


He could hear her laugh, the mixture of exhaustion and elation that would come after a hard-fought battle. The spark in her eyes as she caught her breath and reloaded her sniper rifle behind cover, or choked down an energy bar in a rare lull. She always looked so alive in those times, fully in the moment as battle raged around them. She looked like some kind of avenging angel, beautiful and terrible in the light of battle and it was easy to see why she had become the figurehead for the war.     


There had been a sudden moment on Mars, as Shepard stood in the sunlight, dust swilling around her blue tinted by her biotics. The wind was up, the impending dust storm looming on the horizon, and Kaidan had be inexplicably struck with how she looked like an old painting, maybe done by one of the renaissance masters.  Even with her armour and weapons, the sight reminded him of some old, glorious warrior, a classic hero from some long forgotten tale.     


And in the moment, he knew he was lost. Was _still_ lost.     


Even though they'd spent limited time in one another's company up until then, _and_ they'd been arguing, it had all faded out when he'd seen her surveying the Mars archives before them. All that distance between them had vanished and he'd fallen for her all over again. He'd wanted to immediately go to her and pour his heart out, tell her that he was so sorry about everything and how much he missed her, and just _kiss her_ amid the sunlight and dust, but instead his mess of feelings has expressed themselves as more heated words and he'd felt even worse about the insinuations of some of his comments.    


Then he'd been critically injured, and he'd been unable to rectify his mistakes until so much later. For all he knew, his words had been cut too deep for too long, and she'd never be able to truly trust him again. The thought made his heart twist in anguish.     


Kaidan sighed, pulling himself out of memories as he took another drink. The table of soldiers was laughing again, swapping stories and rumours they'd heard about Shepard, and Kaidan pushed away his guilt and longing to listen in surreptitiously to their banter.     


"She's a fucking _sledgehammer_! I've seen vids of her biotically charging, those guys do _not_ get up again."    


"Would you? After having that much power shoulder charge you into oblivion?" More laughter echoed around the table.   


"Love the red armour. She's like some kind of old-school superhero!"    


"Commander Crimson!"    


"The Scarlett Bullet!"    


If only Shepard knew what she inspired in others, Kaidan thought.     


How they talked about her, how she gave them courage and pushed them to fight harder. How she was the ideal they worked towards and the person they modelled themselves on, in an effort to retain honour and grace in battle. How she was seen as powerful and skilled but also personable and helpful. She really was their hero; one human leading the charge against the reapers. Well, that was what the Alliance News Network would have you believe, at least.    


Kaidan allowed himself a moment of smugness; he was one of a handful of beings who had not only seen Shepard in the flesh but lived with her for a time aboard a naval frigate. In such close quarters, it was hard to not see all the sides of a person – and the Shepard in the media wasn't the one he'd fallen in love with.     


The Shepard on screen was cleverly edited to be the best she could be while still appearing as human. She was sweaty and splattered with battle field debris, but still radiant – the perfect balance of poster girl and skilled warrior. She was the pinnacle of humanity, kind yet fearless...and missing so very much. Sure, she still took Kaidan's breath away when he saw her onscreen, but he loved her deeply as a whole person rather than a media mock-up.     


The Shepard who showed fear and vulnerability in unguarded moments, who metaphorically let her hair down while sharing a drink with her crew. The woman who had moments of doubt on the battlefield and who had to face failure numerous times, who sometimes broke when it all became too much. The same woman who has sat beside him, sunken eyed but still smiling, as he recovered at Huerta Memorial. She'd looked so drained beside him that first time, her usual energy lacking and most of the light gone from her eyes. She'd been almost too afraid to touch him, as if he'd break or vanish at the slightest contact.     


The other times she'd visited she'd been more like her old self, smiling and just a touch sarcastic, but he'd seen the weariness that lay over her. The way she steeled herself before leaving his room to face what lay beyond, the way she had looked at him with relief and apology so naked in her eyes, the hesitation to keep fighting. Such basic, beautiful, human things that the camera never showed.     


Shepard would never think of herself than anything more than someone doing a job. This was her task, she threw herself into it, and that was it. She never thought she deserved any glory for doing what she was told, or for the lengths she went to or all the people she helped.     


Shepard would never think of herself like that.     


Kaidan would never think of her as anything else.     


Even admitting his love for her was still there, it didn't change the fact that he saw her as a hero. She pushed herself through hardship, loss, extreme environments and situations and had come close to death many times...and then there was Alchera. Kaidan himself wasn't entirely sure of the stark truth of the situation, but it was clear to say she'd been to hell and back and had to rebuild her own life and identity in a galaxy that had moved on without her after two years. Kaidan couldn't even begin to fathom what that must have been like. How lost she must have been at first, the fight to reclaim a place and purpose for herself when she was struggling to come to her own terms about what had happened.     


Even though she'd had others to help her – not Cerberus, but friends like Garrus and Tali to watch her back and support her, she'd started that terrifying journey alone.     


As he took another sip of whiskey, he supposed Shepard's modesty in light of her achievements was another quality that made her endearing. Sure, it was sometimes baffling when she dismissed things she praised others for, but she very rarely basked in her own accomplishments or the praise of others. Kaidan had seen her shyly smile as he once complimented a particularly excellent shot with her sniper rifle.    


_"Shepard, that shot was one in a trillion."_ He'd found it impossible to keep the stunned admiration out of his voice.     


_"Yeah, I guess it was."_ She'd smiled, a small smile of a task well done, seen by him alone.     


The soldiers beside him gathered their belongings and traipsed out of the bar, swaying somewhat. One was in the middle of changing the lyrics to an old Alliance battle song, and was trying to find a decent rhyme for "Shepard is a badass", encouraged by his friends. Kaidan was sure if he checked the extranet notices of the local barracks he'd find the completed work. He made a mental note to do exactly that in about twelve hours' time.     


It _was_ late, Kaidan supposed. His quiet drink had unintentionally turned into a thoughtful character study of the woman he thought of often. Every day, in fact, but he'd not tell anyone that. He hoped that they'd be back to the Citadel after the mess of Tuchanka, and maybe he could see her again. Convince her to stop, just for a moment, and be still enough to tell him all about Tuchanka so he could figure out the truth from the editing.     


Maybe he could ask her out for dinner. Hmm. Too formal? Maybe a relaxed lunch. There were a few good places he knew locally that would scratch her itch for some decent gastropub food, and she was always on for a good burger (especially with chips and condiments).      


Maybe he could even admit the nagging thought in the back of his mind. Not that he loved her, it wasn't time for that, but that – if possible – he'd like to rejoin the Normandy crew. He fleetingly wondered what she'd think of such a request, but pushed away the sudden mess of her possible reactions that started to assail him. He'd never know unless he tried and it was no good to assume what her reaction might be. She might just be happy to have another familiar face aboard.     


Or she'd tell him to get lost after the mess he'd made of Mars...    


Either way, he'd not know until the Normandy came back, and the next few days he was on call with the Council as both escort and bodyguard. Those days tended to drag, but at least he was doing _something_.      


Kaidan stood from the bar, and silently drained his glass to the woman who was his hero; in his memory, his mind, and his heart.         



	15. Fortitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME3, pre-Apollo's

"You know," said Garrus quietly, "I think I need a drink after that one."    


Kaidan, standing beside him in the Normandy's cargo bay, nodded tiredly. "Yeah, that mission was...a bit intense." He ran a hand through his sweaty hair as he looked to Shepard, who was speaking to Steve in a low voice. "Shepard, need a drink?"    


She looked over to him, her tired smile making his heart skip. "Not for me, thanks Major. _Sleep_ is what I need..." She glanced towards Vega, who had wandered over to greet the ground team on their return. "I'll do my armour and weapons tomorrow, Vega.   


"No problem, Commander, I can do it," Vega shrugged as he came to a stop. "Looks like your armour needs it."

Shepard thoughtfully ran her hand over the new gouge in her thigh plate, evidently tossing up Vega's offer in her head. After a moment, she nodded. "I'd appreciate that, Vega – but I'll take care of my baby myself, tomorrow," She added, gesturing to the M-90 Indra over her shoulder. It was hardly surprising, she'd only let a select few touch her favourite sniper rifle, and only if it was absolutely necessary. 

Vega nodded. "Get changed, I'll grab your gear out of your locker in a few." As Shepard wandered over towards the small storage area in the armoury, Vega turned his gaze to Kaidan. "What about you, Major?"

"What about me what?" Kaidan asked, confused. Vega had always been respectful to him, but Kaidan didn't know if he'd call them friends yet. Vega was currently smiling at him in a relaxed and casual manner, his gaze impassive.

"Want me to take care of your armour?"

The offer surprised Kaidan further. It certainly didn't seem malicious or like he'd been put up to it; Vega appeared completely genuine in his offer. And he was more skilled than Kaidan himself with repairs, Shepard trusted him, and that whisky in the lounge sure was calling his name... "If you're up for it, Vega, that would be _much_ _appreciated_."

Vega casually saluted him. "Gotta keep Shepard's favourite ground team in top shape, Major." There was a grin in the marine's eyes that Kaidan caught, a pointed look at Garrus. Kaidan straightened himself up as he felt a flush creep across his face. Was his and Shepard's history common knowledge onboard? It seemed so. He opened his mouth to reply with something biting, but Vega held up a hand. 

"Just teasing, Major Alenko." The muscled man's expression softened as did his voice. "She's like my sister. Shepard looks out for all of us, you know? But..."

"...she never looks out for herself," Kaidan finished with his own smile, the tension easing. _Same old Shepard._ "Thanks, Vega. Both for the offer and for watching her back."

Vega shrugged with a smile as he began to wander back towards his workbench. "No problem. Just leave it in your locker, I'll grab it out."

It took only a few minutes for Kaidan to divest himself of his armour, stacking it somewhat haphazardly in his locker. He'd owe Vega a drink for taking care of it for him; the mission had been a bit crazy today and there were numerous nicks and a few cracks that would need patching, but he was appreciative that he wouldn't have to deal with it. Within fifteen minutes, he was walking into the lounge on the crew deck wearing a fresh uniform. Garrus was already waiting, an empty glass and bottle of whiskey next to his own dextro libation. 

Kaidan smiled in gratitude as he poured himself a small measure. Best to start slow.

They drank in silence for a short while, each basking in the warmth of their drinks tht took the exhaustion of the mission away. The atmosphere was easy, companionable, and Kaidan realised it was the first time in a long time he'd had a change to hang out with Garrus alone. Something was playing on Kaidan's mind, and this was as good a time as any to talk it over with Garrus.

"So..." the biotic started gently. "There's something I want to talk to you about, Garrus. While it's just us."

"Oh?" The turian beside him looked intrigued as he reached for his bottle to top up his own drink. "I thought you looked a bit preoccupied on the way back."

_Am I so_ _transparent_ _, or does he know me_ _well?_ "It's about Shepard."

Garrus nodded, his avian face unreadable. "Naturally."

Kaidan hesitated, getting his thoughts in order before speaking. "How long has she been so..." He shrugged, now at a loss for words. He sighed heavily. "...biotic charge?" He glanced beside him and found Garrus considering him with a raised eyebrow (at least, Kaidan was pretty sure it was the turian approximation of an eyebrow).

"I thought you saw her fight on Mars."

"Mars is...hazy," Kaidan said, shrugging. "I definitely recall fighting biotically, but I don't recall any specifics. There's a vague feeling of panic, which could definitely be related to seeing it for the first time. Or that could just be from the fighting in general."

"Ah, I see." Garrus paused for a moment, sipping at the purple liquid in his glass. "She's been doing it for a while, now. Didn't you catch it on the news vids?"

Kaidan thought back to the footage he'd occasionally seen on the Citadel. He recalled a few flashes of blue, but nothing so raw. "Yeah, a bit – but in person it's so much more...powerful, reckless, impressive. The editing on the vids never showed a full charge or the sheer power it contained. They made it look like she was using it as a movement tactic, not..."

"...not being a human – what do you call them – wrecking ball?"

"Yeah. It was a bit disarming to see it." Kaidan quickly lifted his glass in an effort to let the smoky liquid drown out the memory of panic that had come upon him when he'd first seen her charge earlier that day. It had been terrifying – Kaidan hadn't known what was going on or about to happen. Shepard had just vanished in a blur of motion from beside him, and suddenly was amidst the oncoming wave of reaper forces – far too close for comfort. 

It was a moment before he realized Garrus was openly staring at him. " _Disarming_ _?_ Kaidan, you went pale and froze up. It may have been a while since we fought together, but I still know how you navigate a battlefield." The turin shook his head. "You were more than _'disarmed'_ , Major."

Kaidan signed, running a hand over the back of his neck. "What can I say? I thought she'd...I don't know what I thought, Garrus. That she'd get mobbed, charging right into the centre of them. That the brute would harmlessly toss her aside because she was too close."

Garrus shrugged and continued Kaidan's unspoken thought nonchalantly. "And instead she pummeled it and stabbed it clean through with her omniblade."

Taking another drink, Kaidan turned the memory over in his mind. She'd done it like it was nothing, like there was no danger to herself and it was the simplest thing in the galaxy. Biotically charging across the battlefield to engage in _melee_ _comba_ _t_ with a brute. Anyone would call her crazy for such a trick. 

Beside him, Garrus poured himself another drink. "You remember why she chose to become a sniper?"   


Kaidan nodded, recalling the conversation aboard the original SR1. He'd been curious, a Vanguard with a sniper rifle was an uncommon occurrence and, some would think, a strange combination. Shepard had explained her reasoning and he'd thought no more of it; her sniper rifle was as much a part of her as her biotics were. "She said after Akuze she'd wanted a way to see and eliminate danger from as great a distance as possible."

Garrus nodded, tilting his glass towards Kaidan. "Right. She hated that she'd never seen the thresher maw attack coming, so training as a sniper allowed her to have greater warning of threats and to eliminate what she could before others were involved."

It was no secret that Shepard protected her squad as a whole more than she tried to keep herself safe. She'd always be the first to make a shot and be noticed by an enemy, the one to draw their fire or act as a decoy. She's taken up her beloved M-90 Indra because it allowed her the versatility of sniper rifle and an automatic fire rate, and it had become the firearm synonymous with Commander Shepard. In their original pursuit of Saren, years ago now, Kaidan had noticed that her biotics were less utilised over the rifle's range. He'd often been her biotic support, letting her snipe and take out enemies before they could get close, and she'd use her own abilities sporadically and in times of need. 

Now it seemed she'd peaked her own biotic skills and was well trained and honed. Enough to be an almost supernatural biotic force on the battlefield. Kaidan knew that, as an L2, he spiked higher than most and had once spiked higher than Shepard. He'd been told he was one of the strongest biotics on records, nearly on par with the asari. Now Shepard was at least on par with him, seemingly effortlessly. Another change he needed to get used to, though he couldn't deny he enjoyed the feel of her biotics alongside his own...even with this new, seemingly aggressive style of fighting.

Kaidan sighed, focusing his thoughts back to the conversation at hand. "And now, Garrus?"

The turian took a slow drink before continuing in a low voice. "Now she tries not to let _anything_ get too close to the squad. She takes the front line, moves the fastest and with the most devastating force."

"It's so dangerous." Kaidan tried to ignore an echo of the swell of terror that had come upon him during the mission. He'd panicked, to put it simply. 

"At the moment, what isn't?" Garrus muttered with a dark chuckle. 

"Well, yes, but personally dangerous," Kaidan replied, trying not to let exasperation creep into his tone.  "She's essentially using herself as a human shield."

The turian beside him hummed in agreement, before speaking quietly to voice Kaidan's thoughts. "And you don't know how you're meant to fight and help her when she's throwing herself in so deep?"

"How did you know?"

"I went through the same thing," Garrus said, fixing Kaidan with a level stare.  "During the collector mission, we all altered our strategies to provide support for her as she took the brunt of the damage. I keep an eye on her and whatever target she's got while keeping new threats off her. If I can drop them before they get to her, she can focus."

"Did she know that you all did that for her?"

"No." Garrus turned back to his drink. 

So Shepard's change in tactics had not only not gone unnoticed, but everyone else had picked up the slack to ensure she was supported in dangerous situation as best they could. Kaidan supposed Shepard hadn't noticed, being as focused as she was on the mission and dealing as much damage as she could – or if she had, she hadn't stopped to consider the changes to tactics had been made for her benefit. She wasn't one to think she was a reason for such things, after all. She'd never realized the effect she had on those around her. 

She was an exceptional soldier – Kaidan knew if he confronted her about this, she'd be sure to say she's never in any danger and no one has to worry about her. And, she'd believe that, too, truly. It didn't stop those around her always watching out for her because she always did so for them, or supporting these now insane battle tactics because everyone knew Shepard wouldn't stop. 

"Garrus," Kaidan started quietly after a prolonged silence, "when did it start?"

"After Cerberus woke her up. You know that Alchera caught her off guard. She felt so guilty that she'd let it happen, even though you and I know there was nothing she could have done. I think she knows that too, in her honest heart." Garrus' voice was low and resigned. 

"We had some powerful biotics on board. Miranda, who was a designed human; Jack, the psychotic biotic; and Samara, an Asari Jusitcar. Each of them helped Shepard train her own abilities and get stronger. The first time she charged in the middle of battle, Samara said she thought it was a biotic reaction to her desire to protect others and be the first in the fight, taking out as many enemies as possible before they were a danger to others...Now she can do it on cue, but for a while it was sporadic, only manifesting when she was desperate. She trained hard to hone it into an easily usable skill, and they put a few dents in the cargo bay doing so."

A small smile flickered across Kaidan's face at the thought and he wondered if, during the retrofit, some had been overlooked. He'd have to see if anything was marked next time he was down there. "She feels so strong now. As another biotic, her power is far more than I recall when we first served together."

Beside him, forearms leaning on the bar, Garrus left out a heavy sigh; admiration mixed with amazement. "Yeah."

He left the thought hanging, but Kaidan already knew the answer. "Cerberus?"

"Cerberus," Garrus confirmed. "New implant, new amp. Took all of that natural biotic energy she'd felt never had range and transformed her own body into the weapon."

The comment made Kaidan frown bitterly. Cerberus would forever leave a sour taste in his mouth for a number of reasons, but the thought that they'd allowed Shepard to became a weapon in herself just felt so wrong... no doubt that had been their plan. 

"She fights harder when you're there," Garrus said suddenly, breaking into Kaidan's thoughts.

"What do you mean?"

"These last few missions, now you're back on board – it's like old times. We three always made a good team, even if our tactics have been...altered."

Kaidan nodded, still unsure what Garrus was getting at. 

The turian rolled his eyes at his human companion's blank face. "Her attacks are more devastating. She takes more risks. She pushes closer to her limit more often...Kaidan, she'd _never_ forgive herself if something happened to you, but nor does she want to go out there without you by her side."

"You think she's trying to protect me?" Kaidan asked, surprised. 

"Hah. You _hardly_ need protecting. It's more she's pushing herself without even realizing. I think she does it..." Garrus trailed off, looking for the right words. "...with her inner mind?"

"Uhh...subconsciously?"

Garrus clicked a talon, a habit Kaidan knew he'd picked up from humans. "Yes, that's the word. She doesn't think to do it, it just happens." He fixed the human with a stare. "And it's always when you're there."

Kaidan hid himself in his glass, draining the remaining liquid. It was times like this he was thankful for his biotic constitution. So Shepard fought harder with him there? Then the opposite was true; she also wore herself out more, pushing her abilities and over reaching her energy levels. She pushed herself to protect the squad, more so when he was on it. He stared into his third drink after he poured it and frowned, trying to look at this from a solider's point of view. What had he seen Shepard do today? She'd snipe at the very beginning, then as soon as a threat was in rage...she'd dash into the fray, either towards the biggest group or the biggest brute, and biotically charge them. Sometimes she'd use a biotic nova to take out as many as she could at one time, other times she'd fill them full of holes from the auto-fire of the Indra, still other occasions it would be the work of her omniblade. It was all energy, all damage. 

No defense. 

_So_ _that's what I'll do._

The more Kaidan thought, the more the strategy took shape in his mind. With Garrus watching from afar and picking off incoming enemies, Kaidan knew he could divert more of his own focus to directly assisting Shepard. He could provide biotic offence and defensive support, backed up by tech attacks.

_R_ _eave the targets she's dealing with so we can move through them quicker. Keep_ _stragglers_ _off her_ _back_ _and make sure she doesn't get overrun. If she takes out one at a time, she can_ _ric_ _ochet_ _around and I can strip their_ _shields_ _and prime_ _biotic_ _detonations for her_ _to s_ _et off._ _Shore up her barrier with mine._ _I_ _can_ _help_ _protect_ _her; be her_ _shield_ _so she can be our sword._

_And when she_ _pushes beyond_ _her limit, I'll be there._ _If she's hurt, I'll tend to her. If she's_ _exhausted_ _, I'll carry her. If she's breaking, I'll support her._ _Whatever she needs, I'll be right there._


	16. Precious Treasure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: After ME3

They were sitting together on an observation platform atop a hill near English Bay. Shepard had requested some fresh air and quiet on her first unofficial excursion from the hospital, and Kaidan had been only too happy to oblige. Her physical therapy was progressing well, although her stamina was nowhere near how it had been before the Reaper War, but that was alright. The skycar he'd borrowed had been able to get them close enough to the top of the mountain, and the walk from there was easy enough. It wasn't like they'd had a time restriction. 

Out here, it was quiet and approaching dark. The first stars were barely visible, away from what little light pollution Vancouver currently gave off, and the air was clear and still. The noise of the city's rebuild had faded and it was peaceful. Tranquil. 

Just what Shepard had needed. She'd had enough time surrounded by machines, healing from her injuries. Even though the hospital became quiet at night, there was always a level of background noise, and Shepard had been craving a moment of true quiet for more than a few weeks. Sitting here with Kaidan, just the two of them and the burgeoning stars, was a perfect moment. 

In the midst of their quiet conversion about the rebuild and how the relief efforts were going, they'd come around to the subject of Shepard's injuries and her possible paths forward. She'd been surprisingly pragmatic at first, in the hospital, dismissing her past career as an active N7 agent and knowing it meant she'd have to give up command of the Normandy – but Kaidan could see that saying those words aloud had wounded her deeply. The look of relief on her face when Kaidan had detailed Hackett's offer was palpable. It might not be technically what they were used to, but it was close enough to be familiar and free at once. 

"So," Shepard said quietly, looking up at the new stars, "I want to check that I've got this straight."

Kaidan nodded in encouragement. He knew she'd been thinking about this and coming to terms with what was going to be a change in her own position as well as his.

"I become a council diplomat. I represent the council as a whole, within and beyond my current Spectre status, and go on assignments as required aiding in the recovery. I'm on service leave from the Alliance – technically – but retain my connections and rank."

"Yes," Kaidan said. The plan had been Hackett's, a way to allow Shepard more freedom to do what was needed yet still support her within the Alliance. It also allowed her to continue her Spectre work as well, which was something she'd been grateful for.      

"I keep command of the Normandy, and the Alliance supplies me with a core crew and staff."

"Yeah – any Alliance personnel would be on 'special assignment' on the Alliance's books and officially report to you, and they want the Normandy to get a new diplomatic paintjob."

Shepard was nodding. "We can take on other crewmembers at my discretion..."

"...which is military-speak for getting the gang back together. You can pretty much continue on in a similar style to what you've been doing. Helping out where it's needed and being the fair voice of reason." He nudged her with his elbow, and she smiled at him in the half light. It had been stated that once she was recovered, Shepard would not be a mild-mannered politician – rather an armoured and open representative of the people, to help foster negotiations and end minor conflicts in a post Reaper War galaxy. Once Shepard had realised it didn't mean being relegated to a desk job or being a political pawn, she'd brightened considerably to the prospect and already begun planning her crew.            

"And..." She reached for his hand, entwining her fingers with his, "Kaidan the bodyguard?"

He smiled at her, cupping her face gently with his free hand. "Well, I prefer partner, or loyal squadmate, but 'bodyguard' looks better on official paperwork." His expression softened as he gazed at her. "It means I can stay with you."

The bodyguard idea – diplomats often had security details, after all, especially those who would be willing to enter into high-risk situations – had been another one of Hackett's. It was doubly appropriate, allowing Kaidan to continue in his Spectre duties and stay by Shepard's side in an official capacity. Hackett had been very careful with his wording to allow a lot of flexibility. Speaking of...

Kaidan lifted Shepard's hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to her cool skin. "And we can be together, openly. If you're technically not on active duty, and I'm on special assignment, there aren't any regulations to bind us. There's no risk."

She smiled widely at that, a spark in her eyes. It was the first true smile Kaidan had seen since she woke. "We actually can be together and work at the same time. How novel." Shepard leaned into him with a contented sigh. "I'd like that."

"Me, too," Kaidan replied, resting his head atop hers. 

There was quiet for a moment, stillness in the evening light before Shepard spoke again. "It's strange. I tried not to let myself think any further than the next day, because I never knew what was coming. Everything was so unstable." She pulled away from him, sitting up so she could look to him as she spoke. "Then you came back onboard, and everything...pulled hard to port," she said with a shrug, smirking at Kaidan as he rolled his eyes upon hearing his own words parroted back to him. She put her hand on his leg, and waited until he was facing her to continue. "Suddenly there was this chance that I didn't want to think about in case it was taken away from me. I hoped we'd get here, but I couldn't be sure if it would happen." She looked out to the view before them and smiled. "And now I don't know what path my future will take."   

She felt him take a breath as he moved slightly. "Well, there's always _this_."

"Kaidan, is that...?"

Kaidan watched Shepard closely. She hesitantly shifted towards him, eyes focused on what he was holding. There was a look of disbelief on her face, as if she couldn't quite comprehend what she was seeing. He could also see she was trying not to smile, as if doing so would make her appear a fool for assuming the situation. Kaidan knew how this looked – it looked exactly how he wanted it to – and could guess at what was going through her mind. She was trying not to second guess what was going on and at the same time hoping it was what she thought. 

Which, of course, it was. 

Shepard's eyes widened as she gazed at the ring he was holding out to her. True, it wasn't the down-on-one-knee romantic gesture he'd originally thought he'd go with, and he hadn't taken her out on some fancy traditional evening – but things had changed. _They_ had changed, and in light of a galactic war and nearly dying – on both their behalves – it was a miracle they were here at all. This moment, sitting with Shepard and watching the sunset in the quiet, had simply been the right time. To be sincere and to the point, rather than grandiose or lovey-dovey was all that they needed.

Smiling, Kira reached out and placed her hand on his, around the ring but not touching it. She leaned forward to rest her head against their clasped hands for a brief moment as if in prayer or thanks, before lifting her eyes to his. "Really?"

Kaidan held her gaze evenly. "Marry me, Kira."

Within a moment, the ring had been plucked from his proffered hand and Shepard had slipped it on, before she pulled him to her for a deep and passionate kiss. She was kissing him and laughing at the same time, and Kaidan relished the sound. They only parted when Shepard made a small groan of pain – her enthusiasm slightly misplaced while her body was still healing. Kaidan peppered her cheek with kisses instead. "You still haven't given me an answer, you know."

Shepard laughed again, glancing to where the ring was already at home on her finger. " _Yes_ , Kaidan. A thousand times, yes." She held her hand out before her, admiring her new possession. It was a silver ring, the deep red gem in the centre flanked by small black stones. The band itself was elegantly twisted and reminded Shepard of a vine or branch. It wasn't big or ostentatious, it was simple and clean and so perfectly suited to her. The stones were even flush to the band, meaning it was unlikely to get in the way. How had Kaidan done it?

...How _had_ he done it?

"Kaidan, wait. Where did you get this? Everything is a bit...broken." Shepard waved her hand vaguely behind her to emphasize her point. 

"Oh, uhhhh..." Kaidan flushed, one had rubbing the back of his neck in his typical fashion. "I got it on the Citadel, not long after our sanity check."

Shepard turned to him, one eyebrow raised. "You've had this for _how long_?" 

Kaidan shifted uncomfortably. "...a couple of months, now?" He frowned in thought. "At least."

Speechless, Shepard gazed down at the band. Kaidan had bought this a fair while ago now – in the midst of all that uncertainty and danger. How like him, though, to be thinking of her through it all...

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked gently. "What if I...hadn't come back?"

Kaidan shrugged, holding Shepard's hands gently. "It wasn't the right time. You didn't need any distractions or feel tied to anything – you needed to be free to do whatever had to be done and not feel like you were leaving something behind."

"Kaidan..." He looked up at her, noticing her eyes were teary. "Not having a ring didn't stop me knowing what I'd have to let go if it came to that." She nuzzled his nose with her own. "You were the best distraction."

She kissed him again, sweetly, and Kaidan drew her close. He'd known she'd say yes – just like her surviving the war, he didn't know how, he'd just _known_ \- but still, hearing her say it made him indescribably happy. They'd gone from having a decidedly uncertain future to getting married! Though, he considered, they'd not ever talked about what sort of wedding they'd want – quick and under the radar, or a big affair and celebration? Would Shepard want the grandiose affair, or something more military? Even though Commander Shepard was seen as efficient and as a warrior more than the actual woman beneath the title, Kaidan knew at the very least, a party with their friends was definitely on the cards. 

"This is really what you want?" Shepard asked quietly, shifting uncomfortably as if dreading his answer. Kaidan was about to interject with a vehement affirmative answer, but she continued to speak. "We never talked about a future for us. We're not exactly a 'white picket fence and a dog' couple, you know?"

"So? We're a you-and-me couple. Normandy, ship's cat, dedicated ragtag crew and movie nights in the lounge." Kaidan kissed her cheek as Shepard laughed, her worry disappearing. "Drinks together on shore leave, music through the ship's intercom, indulging in lazy mornings because you're in charge." 

She relaxed back into him and for the millionth time, Kaidan thanked whatever deity was listening that this was where their paths had led. Even with the stress, the dangers they'd faced and the injuries they'd both suffered...they'd made it here. Granted, the galaxy wasn't out of the woods yet and the recovery would be a long and tortuous road, but they'd walk that together – openly. 

"I knew it was you, Kira," He said quietly. "As soon as we talked at Apollo's, I knew. I didn't know when the right time would be or if we'd even _get_ a chance, but I had it in my locker."

What Kaidan didn't mention to her yet was the sight scrape on the ring's edge, just below the stones. He'd kept it in his locker...except that last day, on their last stand on Earth. He'd secretly put it on a chain and worn it under his armour, and as a result it had taken a tiny bit of damage. He didn't know why he'd done it – he'd just wanted to have something connected to the woman he loved with him as he faced his fate, like some kind of talisman. After their run to the beam – and Shepard's heartfelt but far too rapid goodbye, he'd not taken it off. Not until he'd received the news that she'd survived. 

Shepard held her hand up again, admiring the sparkle of the inset gems in the fading light.

"It's beautiful, Kaidan." She glanced up at him. "You're beautiful."

"Not as beautiful as you will be, in a big white poofy dress that makes you look like a meringue, with enormous sleeves and..." Kaidan had to stop as Shepard playfully smacked him on the arm with a grin, knowing well he was just pulling her leg for fun. Once they'd stopped laughing at the mental image of Shepard in an over-the-top dress, Kaidan asked her if she'd ever thought about her wedding.

"Oh, I guess," Shepard replied with a shrug. "As much as any teenage girl does." 

"And?" Kaidan gently prompted. When Shepard looked lost in thought, he nudged her.  "Do you _want_ to wear a dress?"

"I kind of...do?" Shepard sounded almost embarrassed, but she was smiling. "I guess I could wear my blues, but where's the fun in that? Though I guess armour is more appropriate for the uniform I'm best known in."

"We could get it painted white?"

She glared at him. "You are _not_ touching the paintjob." Her expression softened as she sighed. "Wow, there's... a lot to consider, isn't there? What sort of thing we want, how we can go about it..."

"No more difficult than planning a military operation. Though I don't think we'll need guns."

Shepard pouted. Kaidan didn’t think he'd ever seen her do that before and had to force himself not to break into a smile as she said, "One holdout pistol?"

He pretended to think seriously about this until Shepard started giggling. "Fine, one pistol." By now the sky was darkening to a deep shade of blue and the sun was dipping beneath the mountains. Kaidan wanted to have Shepard back inside before it became too cold., and knew their little sojourn – as eventful as it turned out to be – had come to an end.

"Anyway, my fiancée," he paused as Shepard laughed happily at the new title, "we don't even have to think about this if we don't want to, yet. We can get married when we want to, how we want to. A long engagement would be fine with me." He stood, and held out a hand to her.

Kira hummed in agreement as he pulled her to her feet, night falling swiftly with the sun vanished beyond the horizon. "True. A long engagement sounds wonderful." As they made their way back towards the skycar, hands linked together, she tightened her grip ever so slightly. "As long as you're there."

Kaidan squeezed her hand in reply.  "Until the end of time."   



	17. Starvation (explicit)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeframe: ME3, after Apollo's

For the first few weeks, they're like teenagers. 

Shepard can't be sure if it's the thrill of finding one another again, the desperation to make up for lost time, or the uncertainty of their future in the middle of a war full of dangerous missions, but whatever the reason, Kaidan and her are getting more of a workout than normal. Privately.

Whenever they're on duty, or collating intel and reports, they're professional towards one another. Polite and friendly in the War Room or on deck...desperately trying to seem as no more than close and companionable friends in amidst war. They're so busy trying to appear nonchalant towards one another they miss the knowing looks behind their backs and the lower-desk whispers of what's going on.

Then Kaidan will corner her in some blind spot of the Normandy's cameras – a specific corner of the elevator, amidst crates in the cargo bay, lingering for a moment longer in the shuttle and out of sight – and his kiss will electrify every nerve and make her crave more than a passing touch. The way his body fits against hers in desire, trying to sate himself with one fleeting taste of her lips that only leaves both of them hungry for more. Her biotics threaten to spark in reaction to him whenever he's near, to betray her longing for him as more than just a colleague. 

In the first few days, he tries to sleep in his own quarters and not in the loft – neither of them are that ready to flagrantly disregard the regs so openly – and Shepard finds herself thinking her bed is too big to sleep alone in. She wants him beside her, warm and comfortable. 

And naked.

Shepard grins to herself in the darkness of the loft, thankful that in rare moments of quiet such as this no one is witness to her thoughts or the path they lead her down. The memories of Kaidan from that morning keep her company as she settles herself comfortably in the bed, one hand teasing a nipple, the other trailing its way down her body and towards her growing wetness. She lets her imagination take her back to Kaidan.

The way he looked above her, one hand on the wall behind the bed and the other on her hip, as he thrust into her. He liked to look at her, he said, because she was so beautiful. After that admission she'd rolled him over so she was on top, riding him gently while sitting up. He'd loved that, had let his hands run wild over her skin even as she angled herself to take all of him into her. The way his eyes fluttered as he became close, her name falling from his lips in a desperate sigh as he arched himself up into her. The noises he made, the gasps and groans as she rode him, and the feel of him kissing her neck.

Shepard climaxes with a drawn-out groan, hearing Kaidan's own sounds of orgasm as she does so.       

The next morning, in a sudden moment of wickedness, Shepard tells Kaidan exactly what she did without him. The flush on his face and the look in his eye send shivers up her spine as he huskily whispers that he'll have to have a private meeting with her later on, but for now will have to attempt to keep that mental image from making him loose his mind. 

On missions they are focussed on their objective, clever in their tactics and they seem to fight together like they know what the other is thinking. No one can fault them on their results or conduct, no matter what the unconventional situation on the ship itself might be. They're fluid and precise and get the job done. It's textbook work, and the mission results speak for themselves. 

As do their actions when finally alone together. Shepard feels like a starved woman at first, suddenly given access to food again. Except instead of food, she's been given 'access' to Kaidan. All the uncertainty and tension, their unspoken attraction, past arguments and the like have been worked through. He is hers, she is his. That's what matters here and for a few weeks Shepard takes full advantage of the situation. 

Sometimes Shepard is barely out of her hardsuit before Kaidan is whispering something alluring to her as he stands behind her letting her feel how hard he is, other times it's her who surreptitiously runs a hand across his back when he's getting out of his armour and tells him what she wants to do to him. There have been times when then look on his face was enough to make Shepard want to grab him immediately, cameras and crew be damned, and jump him right there in the armoury. It would be so easy to sit up on one of the workbenches – they're just the right height...

Some occasions they don't make it to the bed. On days when even getting to the loft is a trial in itself, any surface will do as long as they can get what's needed and give in to the lust that's overtaken them. On one occasion when Kaidan doesn't get back to his own bed, so they shower together the next morning. It takes less than five minutes under the water together before they're back on Shepard's recently vacated bed and indulging themselves in one another's bodies. The second shower has a far more mundane ending, but it is necessary to begin the day.     

But this seemingly endless arousal around one another isn't some shallow need. It's never sex for sex's sake; it always means something. Whether it's slow and passionate or fast and dirty, they find in one another a completeness that only comes from that one person. Now they are free to be around one another again, it's like the galaxy makes sense again. Beneath their base desires is a deep love for one another, a companionship that Shepard can't quantify or explain even to herself. 

If it was just sex she needed, just the physical release and hormone rush that came with it, then she could get that with a stranger or friend with benefits. With Kaidan, she has that release and so much more – affection, love, companionship. An astronomical emotional benefit. 

She's half-sleep one night-cycle when she realises where her desire for Kaidan stems from. It's not just about the sex – which is, admittedly, amazing – it's a need to be near him. Having him with her in strategy meetings, beside her on missions, sleeping next to her – it's about him being here. As soon as he's around, she feels herself relax. Even if they both need to work on different things and can't pay attention to one another, his mere presence is calming to her. It's been missing for years and she never knew, just continued on until suddenly he was there and it was like coming home.   

When she tells Kaidan this the next morning, somewhat offhandedly, he kisses her passionately and says he understands what she means. He picks her up and carries her back to her – their – bed, and they spend the next short while lost in one another's touch. 

The 'teenage' rush, somewhat thankfully, doesn't last. As their passionate sex becomes a more manageable quantity, Shepard notes that they don't actually lose their passion at all – now can spend time together without needing to rip the other's clothes off. Their few and far between free evenings are spent not twisted together, but talking, often kissing. Shepard learns that Kaidan likes having his scalp rubbed, without any ulterior motive. Kaidan discovers Shepard has a collection of terrible movies on her omnitool for when she doesn't want to think, and cuddled up together is a perfect way to watch as if they were any couple enjoying a movie night. 

The heat between still them runs deep of course, and Shepard catches sight of it during mission briefings and other inopportune times. It always gives her a thrill to know that she can turn Kaidan on so easily, especially as she knows the opposite is true as well. The damn man just has to smile at her and she feels a thrill of desire run through her nerves. Just because it's better controlled – made up for lost time, indeed – doesn't mean it's not there and still strong. 

Then again, some nights she gets more fulfilment from merely sleeping beside him than from any extraneous activity. He is warm and comforting next to her, and his body becomes a source of peace in the darkness. Shepard sleeps better with him beside her; the nightmares are fewer. Even when she wakes, having him there is a relief and she can get back to sleep easier. Far easier than waking up alone from some half-forgotten memory of fear and death, as Kaidan's arm wraps around her and he plants a kiss between her shoulder blades to let her know he's there.

It's remarkable to her, but Kaidan has some way of knowing what she needs. When she finally makes it to bed, he can take one look at her and know if tonight is a night to talk, cuddle, or have sex; or some mixture of all three. He knows when she's wound so tightly, stressed from the day, that she needs a soothing hand rubbing her shoulders and maybe even far lower than that. At times he sneaks under the covers and makes it all about her, as he devotes himself to her and her alone. Shepard can't help but think that Kaidan is unfairly talented at oral sex as his gentle ministrations help her to relax and unwind.

She loves the feeling. It is endlessly relaxing for her, both to have Kaidan put himself in such a position for her and then for him to kiss, finger and lick her in such an intensely tender way. Shepard loves that Kaidan loves doing it, and the sight of those beautiful eyes starting up at her from between her legs is a sight that takes her breath way.

But Shepard gives back as much as she can. Some nights, when she knows he's worried or has had a particularly trying day, she'll return his loving favours. She'll happily make it all about _him_ , and do whatever he needs. Shepard is, at heart, utterly devoted to him too, and making him whimper and climax from her mouth alone is not only a wonderful gift to give, it's a point of pride for her that he enjoys himself quite so much. She loves reciprocating; the look in his eyes as he gazes unguardedly at her while she takes him fully into her mouth, the taste of him, the feel of his hands in her hair that give away every moment of bliss he's feeling. 

Both of them are sexual creatures, it goes without saying. They learnt years ago – on the SR1 – that they both were physically affectionate people, and in bed they're even more so. If Shepard had her way, she'd make sure she was touching Kaidan – be it a hand, arm or something much more intimate – nearly every waking moment it was feasible. Half the time she wishes Kaidan to be in reach he's already making his way over to ask how she's doing, to steal a kiss or to tuck some wayward hair behind her ear. The little points of contact make her feel so loved, and remind her that she's not alone in the galaxy.

She has a lover, a fighter, a friend and a confidant at her side. 

Kaidan is her missing piece returned, and there is no need to go hungry.        



End file.
